


"Oh My Mistake"

by EvanMin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Chan is bad at feelings, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jock Bang Chan, Light Angst, M/M, Nerd Yang Jeongin, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn, just gay yearning i promise, really light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:27:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22516207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvanMin/pseuds/EvanMin
Summary: Chan and Jeongin are from opposite worlds, just starting to become friends, of course love ensues.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 20
Kudos: 125





	1. Prologue: 1

[Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4PS3awS9fWZwG80kyGdQvK?si=daRkIgdrRruf21uuIEaSkw)

Falling for Jeongin was easy. 

It was predictable. 

_It was commonsense._

A tall boy who had tucked himself in the far corner of the school's library during lunchtime. His chestnut locks were perfectly styled and cut perfectly. He could tell that the boy was a stickler for rules as his hair perfectly laid slightly below his ear. The dress code ruled it to be so, and he suddenly felt self-conscious of his own hair growing too long. Fingers running through the soft tuffs of hair at his nape. 

His button up was smooth and ironed, collar crisp and closed up to the very last button. The tie hanging neatly off his neck. Even his sleeves were rolled up precisely. Here Chan was with his own unkempt hair and wrinkly shirt. 

Jeongin wasn’t studying, just reading anything and everything with the purpose of just having fun. Plenty of books spread across the back tables worn and chipping wood. He seemed to be switching between every book ever few minutes with the pages strewn open and bookmarks half hazardly thrown between the pages. He seemed to just suck in all the words inside of himself. Consuming the knowledge contained within. 

You’d find his tall lean frame in thrift shops, searching through the rack if soft sweaters. Fingers always finding themselves attached to the bright sweatshirts. Or sat in the front row of class, taking notes neatly and keeping eye contact with his teachers. 

Though he usually was _here_. In their quaint little library upon the second floor of the building. Nose hitched in a book of his liking. His school uniform prim and pressed neatly, blazer hung over the arm of the chair elegantly. 

Look to any one else amongst the library, he looked like everyone else. Head in a book and feet crossed over on the floor as he read. It was the sight anyone would overlook, like missing a perfect tree amongst any common forest. But of course that’s not how it was with Chan. 

From where he sat, he could see the other perfectly. He couldn’t help but admire the way the sun filtered into the room, past the current to kiss upon the youngers skin. Caressing his cheek with warmth. The way his eyes twinkled as he read, his dark brown eyes shifting into a soft hazel. 

For as long as he could remember, Chan couldn’t recall a time Jeongin _hadn’t_ stolen his breath. Stuffing if into the thin pages of the book he read. The hardwood floors with carpets under the tables. Long bookcases that seemed to go on forever with the book's spine staring at you. Calling you over with little whispers, some dull and quiet and others loudly as you walked by. It seemed to encapsulate Jeongin perfectly, holding and showcasing his beauty. 

Here in the confines of their schools dark and quiet library wasn’t even Chan’s scene really. The library had never crossed his mind as a place to go to during free period. Or at _all_ at any time really. 

Instead you’d find himself in the gymnasium. Feet moving and gliding with ease across the glazed wooden floors. His hands covered in callus from gripping the basketball too hard. Or feet slamming against a treadmill as sweat danced along his body in the weight room. A sheen of sweat surrounding him though he didn’t mind, knowing he could shower after a couple games. 

Yet he felt himself drawn to the mahogany doors of the library. He only went there to check it out and to see Jeongin. To sigh to himself and say, _‘this is where he frequently goes’_ and explore his world. Just to gaze at and imagine scenarios with as he pretends to read a book (though sometimes he _did_ actually read the books). It had become a daily thing almost. 

Although he started going through this daily routine to talk to Jeongin, to gain the confidence to approach him. Someone just a few feet away from him. He never dared to disturb him. 

Jeongin was a beautiful butterfly. An amazing sight to observe and take in, but any wrong movement or getting _too_ close would cause it to flee. Chan wasn’t ready to ruin a chance with a guy he never even talked to before. Plus, Jeongin looked peaceful, eyes piercing the words upon any page he was on. Entranced by the words entirely. 

Instead he only gazed from afar. Reading whatever the younger had finished that day or week. Delving into _his_ world. Wanting to understand the others brain. How he saw things. 

From the stories of the stars, poems and hymns about flowers. About how they felt, how they dreamed. Feeling the rough pages between his fingertips. Being sucked in entirely to another world he never knew existed. 

_Jeongin saw the world in the most beautiful ways._

He was just so pretty, pretty, _pretty_. 

Chan always wondered if Jeongin had notebooks filled with the same things. Wondered what he thought if dahlia bulbs that resembled the sunset, questioned if he hated purple crocuses. Or maybe even smiled at the sight of baby's breath. Wondered if he would melt under Chan’s fingertips or fancy Chan under him. 

He was fascinating, curious and smart beyond belief. 

A spot where Chan had first saw Jeongin, what started his casual-but-not-so-casual library visits was their local Mel's drive-in diner. The night was peeking over the horizon, the neon signs lighting up the sidewalks and parking lot. The air was peaceful and smelled of sweet flowers. The stars starting to wake up and bless the sky with freckles, beauty marks. It was a normal spot for him and his friends to hang out from after school, nursing a strawberry milkshake as they talked. 

Then, suddenly the doors jingled announcing another arrival. But Chan’s attention was torn away from his friends ranting about math class, when he saw _who_ had walked in. 

Jeongin had walked in, yellow hoodie on his tall frame with light blue overalls over it. The bag he held over his shoulder had cute buttons and charms that shimmered. It was the first time he saw him outside of the schools' uniform. He almost didn’t notice the friend who was beside him. 

It’s not like he’s _never_ seen the other around. In fact, he always came here around the same time as Chan. But he’s never seen him like _this_ , never seen him pick a table so close. Or even pick a table in general, just ordering and leaving once they got their food. He never sat down and appreciated him like he should’ve. If only he wasn’t so shy and awkward to actually _get_ closer. 

Jeongin was younger, not by much, just a mere grade below. So, they barely saw each other around, only coincidental places like here or in the halls sometimes, across the cafeteria maybe. 

But here he was, Chan knew that well. He had seen the test scores posted on the school's bulletin board. He was the most recommended student tutor amongst even the seniors. He had never heard the name _‘Yang'_ attached to anything bad, never anything negative. 

He was kind too. The way he never seemed like he hated anyone. Making sure to converse with anyone if he couldn’t be beside his friends in class. Maybe that’s where his popularity came from, known for his high grades and nice attitude. Holding this superiority to people like jocks. _Like Chan._

People like Chan who had pride in his Letterman jacket, in his jersey with his name plastered on the back. Whose bedroom had awards lined across one wall in his room. People you’d never really see outside of the gym or weight room. 

So, yea, Chan had that school popularity the movies portray that grew more as he and his team won games for their school. But compared to Yang Jeongin's _‘good student’_ factor that was well known amongst the students and teachers. Chan was just a speck amongst the many, just a sporty speck. 

That night he saw the younger was the night Chan started to fall. Where he sat there and thought about the other times he saw the braced boy around. Sometimes in the thrift shop on their main street he’d see him through the window as he walked around town with his buddies. Or hanging out in the empty art rooms to read on the seniors' wing of school after hours. 

But what was so _easy_ , so effortlessly of a fall. Like those dreams of falling, watching your impending death yet somehow not being scared. Chan fell, crashed into the harsh asphalt and accepted his fate as soon as he saw the younger. 

That one afternoon over the weekend. He came by just randomly into a vinyl shop, delicate fingertips grazing the spine of the cases. Looking at the old art, the sleek discs until he felt himself bump into someone. 

And there Jeongin was, peering down at him with a soft small smile on his lips. He’d never seen the younger this close up before. Never saw his fierce eyes and soft fluffy hair like this. Everything was just so intense, his sleek nose and pink thin lips. He could feel his heat radiating off of the younger, could feel his heat panging in his chest. 

_“Oh, sorry Chan-ssi”_ was all he said. All he _had_ to say to really push Chan down those stairs. That’s when he knew it was too late. _He had a crush_. 


	2. Prologue: 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling for Chan was special.

Falling for Chan was special.

It was heart-fluttering 

It was slow-burning 

Chan who had shimmered under the gym's florescent lights, happily running around the wooden floors with sweat across his brow. His lips would purse around the straw of a milkshake. Who wore the biggest shirts and sweaters that truly buried the elders form.

Most of the time Chan could be seen in his famous lettermen jacket. Seen playing basketball with his friends at the local park in town across their large plaza. His curly locks bouncing with every movement, the numbers  _ ‘97’ _ printed on the back of his jacket. He seemed to twinkle under the rays of the sun.

It was like a slow-motion moment, a freeze frame almost. The way he moved was cinematic, the sun hitting his pale skin and cheeks rosy with happiness. 

Chan, of course, was part of the sports team at their school. If his lettermen jacket wasn’t an obvious piece of evidence of that, it would be his body. The taut muscles he had under his loose clothing. Most girls fawned over the sports team, getting them all hot and bothered at the sight of cute boys in shorts winning a game. Which at the sight of girls flirting and throwing themselves at these guys, it originally made Jeongin roll his eyes and huffed out easily. 

Though whenever he sat with his friend during lunch, talking about their day. Laughing about whatever was comedic at the time, a show, a joke,  a moment. He’d catch a glimpse of the elder, only tables away and  _ oh  _ did he finally understand the girls now. He always  _ knew  _ Chan was attractive, it wasn’t anything new. But seeing him smile, dimples on full display, the glow of his aura just… his chest couldn’t take it.

Now, Jeongin was never one to go out his way to see Chan. It felt like he saw him without even trying. Tables away at the town's famous diner, in their local library at school, even just out and about in town. Anywhere Jeongin went he was somehow  _ there _ as if Chan was just a satellite just for him.

But although they were always close by, just out of reach in the same areas, he never approached the curly haired boy. He just admired from afar, wondering when their paths would ever emerge. A path that had them talking rather than a few feet away, a few tables away. 

Jeongin only really ever heard of the elder as his  _ ‘first impression’ _ . Which it wasn’t the most terrible impressions. Chan was known  as being funny and nice, he never was known to slack off in his academic duties  despite being in sports.

Chan never skipped class and stayed kind and collected. Teachers praised him for being well spoken and an example. Anything Jeongin heard of him was always good, good,  _ good _ . Never faltering . But all word of mouth.

Jeongin had first seen the elder around the school’s library, curious, looking for a book.  It wasn’t just a glance in the halls or stories from other students  talked amongst his grade. He was in one spot for a long time,  _ in Jeongin’s spot _ .  Jeongin had been reading himself, totally submerged into the pages, into the words. But the sound of someone walking in  caught his attention, instantly ripped from the pages.

Chan walked in as if the  library was foreign, like he knew he didn’t belong. Like a puzzle piece jamming itself into the wrong spot. He scanned the area with roaming and exciting eyes, hands trying to find a natural position and not nervously playing with his jacket.

Just his appearance proved he was somewhere he doesn’t know about;  _ it wasn’t his scene _ . The jacket he wore was not up to dress code over his button up, his tie loosely tugged on, hanging like a necklace. Although looking disheveled, being deviant, he smiled sweetly at the librarian. Thanking her gratefully as he skipped off into the direction she suggested. Charming enough not to scold him for being so loud, no student even dared to say a word. Chan was just so… endearing.

He was a sight for sore eyes, Jeongin couldn’t help but lower his book to stare for a while longer. To appreciate the sight in front of him.

After that encounter, he always saw Chan around. Always in view for Jeongin to gaze at, to watch his every move with a delicate eye.

Chan was only a year older, never in the same classes but shared similar schedules. He could see him leaving his class or the back of his disappearing between the swarm of people. Jeonginknew he existed but only ever saw him the day he walked through the large doors of the library.

He knew that Chan was very athletic, never failing at the athletic games at the schools' pep rallies, never loosing school games or being a bad student. Chan was the pride of the school, the one they whispered about in the halls. Who opposing school teams prepared for and huffed in annoyance with every point Chan earned. But  _ never  _ cocky, he was sweet, the way he held doors open to people and helped teachers with any task asked of him. 

Jeongin could remember a time he had went to the office to drop something off only to see Chan there. Stack of paper lined on the counter, fingers at the nape of his neck as he laughed and talked with the secretary with ease, with respect. Based off what he heard and context clues, he seemed to be helping them sort through their papers and got carried away. He was the most popular amongst the school, having both the brain and the brawns unlike the nerds with good grades and no bad records. 

People like Jeongin who had straight A's and avoided conflict with anyone. Who had nothing but his accomplishments plastered to his fridge. Always pushing for number one and never second best. Jeongin was only well known for his good reputation amongst the teachers (and his face amongst the girls).

Compared to Chan, his looks and his status as the  _ ‘jock' _ Jeongin was nothing another student. Just a face  amongst the many. 

The day he saw the elder in the library was the first time he saw the elder's world merge with his own in a way. Saw the curtains pull back between their sets. Felt the colors mixing together just as he stepped through the doorway. 

At first, he was intrigued, like seeing him on the other side of the glass wall. He wasn’t just a person the students talked about, or who he vaguely saw in the hall of witnessed the back of his head. Not far away on the court floor while Jeongin sat at the top of the bleachers. He was a real person.

He didn’t fall instantly, like being tripped and falling backwards. Nor was his breath ripped from him.

He was called. Like a soft melody  rang through the room whenever Chan occupied it.

It started off as a curious glance over Chan’s frame. Wondering why he was there in the first place. But once it began to be a reoccurring thing, Jeongin was drawn to the elder more and more.

His thoughts filled with questions for him. Everything was just Chan, Chan, Chan. What he was doing over the weekends he wondered about, what he thought of the delicate ink soaked into the pages of his favorite book, if he cried with the characters or just quietly read along. Then more recently, he wondered what Chan would look like ravished, drowned in love and Jeongin’s  _ everything _ .

It was the first time such thoughts came to his mind about someone. Yet he wasn’t startled by it, he accepted it and embraced the heavy feeling in his chest. The warmth that spread throughout his body.

He’d see Chan in town more often then, seeing the bubbly elder breath. Seeing  how he lived and flourished out in the open. Wondering if he was just as sweet.

( _ He was _ ).

Deep down he knew of his bubbling feelings but he let it fester. Let it stay dormant within himself. But he never spoke up. He knew he could, his heart wasn’t lodged in his throat. Jeonginwas just peaceful, unbothered.

The time he  _ did  _ speak up, opening his braced mouth, Jeongin had been checking out some vinyl’s. Just browsing through the sections like he always did. He’d pick up the headphones they have for you to get a quick listen of a CD before purchasing. Getting emerged within the music, almost forgetting where he was.

It was a tiny shop, nothing more than a few  aisles of  CD's, of vinyl’s and sometimes even tapes . It was where he frequented most whenever  he wanted to upgrade  his collection.  Or just to visit before he  walked home.

Though this time, he had CDs in his hands .  Looking around for the employee he didn’t pay attention to his surroundings . Jeongin turned, running right until another person .  Met with Chan’s face in front of him, flustered  and red.

He was cute, adorable,  things Jeongin already  _ knew  _ but seeing him so close  just made his heart rattle. It took almost all his courage to happily speak up and say, 

“Oh, sorry Chan-ssi” Which  he didn’t know would change their status from school peers to something a little  _ more _ .


	3. M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan was grateful for the day they first spoke. Really and truly he was.

_ Chan was grateful for the day they first spoke. Really and truly he was.  _

Nothing ever really happened in their town. It seemed to be lost in time, forgotten by the masses. The town revolved around the theme of _ ‘retro-future' _ that seemed to stick. It was stuck in the 1950’s, with bright colored vehicles lining the streets. Neon signs lighting up the streets, lined against the building walls were old advertisements. Painted families enjoying ice-cream, women showing off fashion and attractive men leaned against a Hudson Hornet. 

Even when neighboring towns developed with the time of falling into a modernized theme, his town stood the same. Chan’s cul-de-sac had perfect white sidewalks, the picket fence and neatly mowed lawns. Their town had become a popular tourist spot at some point, giving more reason to stay the same.

The same shops, same hangout place with carved named into the wood, memories lingering around. The same trees and same clouds. Nothing changed even as time passed, as the seasons came and went. You’d even find VHS tapes hanging around in the movie aisles of department stores. Chan guesses it was just the charm of where they lived, even the house interior reflected this theme.

After those few words shared between racks of old CD's and vinyl covers, Chan and Jeongin had decided to go to the diner after. Which was mostly thanks to Jeongin carrying the conversation with such a golden smile. They both ordered a strawberry milkshake, chilling with one another.

It finally felt like a change was happening, the weather of Chan’s heart. The cold harsh winter seeped into a bright and warm spring whenever Jeongin was involved. The snow had melted in an instant letting the grass grow high, a bright green under his feet. Alstroemeria’s tickled his ankles and looked up at him with a smile, a field of endless plants and grass surrounded him. The sun hit him with warmth, with a call to the younger in front of him. Within the younger's locks amaryllises bloomed and petals sang soft tunes of hopes and dreams. 

It reminded him of the stories and poetry Jeongin had drowned himself in, the way the white carnations peered at them and whispered. How they felt like the only two in the world, just them and the endless expanse of plants and delicate droplets of sun.

When they began to talk Chan doubted that they would click, that his dreams of being around the boy and kissing him was too far. That it would only be just a mere thought forgotten over time. But it wasn't like that at all. They were opposites in certain regards but when they talked, when they laughed, it felt like they were closer than ever. As if they had been friends for years.

The sun even had gone down upon them, the neon lights basking them in lights against the youngers skin. The bright pinks and blues making him even more breathtaking. It ran through his locks, running along his thin cheeks and lips. 

"You know it's almost like we gravitate around each other" Jeongin had brought up. He seemed timid, fingers grazing over the glass that held his almost finished milkshake. But yet confident all at the same time. His stature was straight, still looming over Chan.

He continued, eyes looking out the window before returning to Chan's own. 

"Hyung, I see you all the time..." How ethereal he looked, youthful and full of life, "But we never talked" 

Chan could only nod, chuckling softly with the comparison of them and space. How true it was. 

" _ My mistake _ , I think I just fell into your orbit"

Cheesy,  _ yes _ , but Jeongin was still smiling brightly so It was worth it. A smile that seemed to be a permanent thing as they continued to talk.

Cheesy comments were what Chan was good at if he was being completely honest with himself. It was the only thing he was able to even say without stuttering or being bashful over. The way he acted cute, as if he was the younger one instead. The way Jeongin would cringe in return but never losing his smile. 

As Jeongin was the youngest, he seemed to have that childish yet adultlike personality about him. He towered over Chan more often, and Chan gave up on the insoles in his shoes long ago. But he was still a baby in Chan's eyes whenever he faltered. Whenever he needed help and didn't hesitate to tell Chan in the comfort of the library. But even so, Chan was still the hyung, he was still this respectful senior that whenever the younger needed guidance the elder was there. 

They both had these charms they both appreciated. Because they never felt awkward around each other. Never did they feel the pressure of their slight age gap, nor did their differences and interests make them feel bad for not being the same. They were perfect the way they were.

To be honest Chan knew the younger had become his own little safe hatch. His place to go when he felt incomplete. It was odd, never having something like this before. Never knowing how incomplete and lonesome he felt until the younger had strolled into his life.

The first time he had found himself spending the night at Jeongin's house, it would the second time he had ever been nervous with the younger. He remembers the comforting touches they shared, the looks and talks they gave one another. He could feel the youngers fuzzy yellow blanket against his cheeks in his thoughts during his mundane school days to comfort him in his head. 

But of course, what he had tried to calm down since they became friends had bloomed more. His feelings that used to stay stagnant but always there started to grow, never fading. Chan was confident that soon his feelings would have to dissipate, it was just a crush. But when they didn’t, when they only continued to grow, Chan didn’t know what to do.

From the cute keychains Jeongin gave Chan that hung on his gym bags and backpack he carried mostly everywhere. To the sweaters he found at the thrift shop that he thought the elder might like. To spending the night at the youngers house becoming more reoccurring, he was there more often than he was in his own house. Everything just made it harder for Chan to stop feeling this blooming love. 

But there was one day he had spent the night. Waking up early in the morning to the sight of the younger curled next to him. The way his eyelashes laid against his puffy cheeks. Chan knew that if he didn’t stop staring that he would do something bad...

It was a night similar to this one, this time in Chan's home. Where he was cutely tucked into his chest. What had been the first night of spring break had ended up with them sleeping in.  _ What was wrong with him? _ Chan thought to himself as he looked down at the younger against him. 

His hair was a mess, the sheets holding in their warmth against his soft sheets. But Jeonginlooked peaceful, looked like he was meant to stay on this bed with Chan forever. It just made sense to be here, for the younger to take in this space and transform it into his other home.

That's what Chan ultimately wanted other than a chance to date the other. To keep him safe was what he wanted. To be the greatest friend in Jeongin's world. 

It seemed that he was a bit of a loner despite his own couple of friends himself. His nerd group, name coined by the rest of the student body, was the cute smart guys that girls wanted. The one's Chan would see fawning over their sides, the same ones that showed up to his own games.

But I mean it didn’t really matter. They had a reason to like someone like Jeongin, someone so innocent looking but mature. The one who cared for his grades but was smart enough to not need to study like he did all the time. 

Even if he didn’t feel the same, he wanted the younger to remain like this. In peace next to him with the sun hitting in slivers against his skin. With nothing but Chan's scent surrounding him, wondering how long would it take for them to create their own scent together.

Falling for him was a  _ mistake _ ... 

Not in the  _ 'I regret it' _ way but in the, _ 'I'm fucked' _ way. They had grown this friendship that was special to them. A friendship that even Chan's friends would point out, whenever they sawJeongin at their games when he normally wouldn't be found anywhere near the bleachers. At least not bleachers so close to the gym floor. To seeing Chan and Jeongin out on their own around town. 

There was a time they had been playing near a lake near the outskirts of town. Towards the farmland more than their small town, but too far from the cities over. Chan had driven them there that day afterschool. 

The sun had been warm and yellow, and the water of the lake seemed to have warmed up just for them. 

Chan out of nowhere, pushed the younger into the lake off the dock. Soon joining when Jeongingrabbed him and pulled him into the water himself. 

They didn't bring swimwear whatsoever; it was just them and their clothes matted to their skin. That day in Jeongin’s bed was just like this one, close to doing something bad that could ruin their friendship. 

I mean what else was he supposed to do when Jeongin's hair was pushed back, when he looked euphoric as he laughed? He couldn't help but walk closer and almost lean into the others personal bubble. He was so close their chests almost touched but instead he pushed the younger who was stuck in shock. Jeongin must've been afraid of what Chan's next move was, but instead was pushed back into the water. 

So before he leaned in and kissed the younger like that first time he spent the night at Jeongin'shouse. When he was so close, lying next to him. He got up. Pulling off the blanket his bare torso was exposed to the slightly chilly room, but he got up anyway to go make something to eat for the younger. 

He was happy that Jeongin's parents allowed him to come over that time, Chan was a senior.Sure he didn't look it because of his height but the label still stood taller than he. They were sweet, so he wanted to make a great impression that he was a good person. 

Though with that thought in mind he made sure to slip on a shirt before he ventured off around the house. Seeing a shirtless guy leave the bedroom of your kid looks very suspicious. But not when they started being around each other more, when the parents of Jeongin trusted them to close the bedroom door, of leaving the house with just them two.

Now he could control the way he felt, calming his impulses unlike the first time. Was he still itching to kiss Jeongin with the same feelings as the first time they slept like this? Of course he was, but they were friends. 

After that first initial sleepover, Jeongin became a reoccurring fan to Chan's basketball games. Sitting at the bleachers with a blanket and some snacks. He looked cute while he yelled whenever Chan did anything. Praising him from the sidelines. 

Nearing the end of the games it was Jeongin that Chan went to first for a towel, a drink, anything. There was a group of girls he usually went to when they had water bottles for the group. Ones that allows cared for the players after games.

He was aware of the stares he got whenever he smiled at Jeongin instead of the girls who cheered for him. When he searched through the crowd of people just to meet Jeongin’s gaze for one second. The girls weren't important and he felt great whenever he could hear them whine over him. Over the attention he only wanted to give to Jeongin and the attention they wanted from Jeongin himself.

It was the same thing for the younger too. Having eyes on him that looked hateful whenever he was around Jeongin. Whenever he stopped talking to another student who claimed she needed help, he would be at Chan's side (He wonders what other better things those girls could be doing other than chasing after them).

Showing up to book signings whenever the younger asked. Going to school plays just for the fun of it. He would buy the younger whatever he wanted or wished for. He was always there supporting the younger in whatever he needed or wanted. 

People had their suspicions about them because of things like this. How the younger never took the bus anymore but was driven home. Who was seen in Chan's sweaters and even his letterman jacket he once let him borrow when it was the school's annual pride day. 

They saw each other around more often more and more. Walking each other to class and waiting outside for their class to finish. They had a system. All thanks to that first sleepover, the time they spent just talking... getting to know each other.

However, the teasing became something Chan was grateful for but also regretful of. He didn't want word going around that he liked Jeongin even if it was obvious as the sun setting. But he liked the fact that those girls never bothered the younger again. But then again, the town was small, they saw whenever the elder joined Jeongin on family dinners. Saw whenever they walked around town just by themselves. It just made things easier for rumors to spread and theories to be created about them.

And then Chan's friends had asked about their  _ relationship _ .

_ How  _ they got together. 

_ When  _ was their first date. 

Things he would pass off and never answer. One's Jeongin was starting to hear more and more. It was like they became more visible the more they were around each other. The schools new infamous couple, the lead nerd and the jock. 

_ It was almost laughable how cliché it was. _

But it never seemed to bother Jeongin in any way. Whenever he was pressed by the girls after a game when he waited for Chan to get changed. 

"He doesn't pay attention to us anymore because of you" They would try to threaten

"Oh... my  _ mistake _ " Jeongin would only fire back, happily walking away when he saw the curly locks of his friend coming towards him.

Chan would never admit to the younger how happy it made him when people stopped flirting with him. That his eyes were on the elder at all costs. That his flushed cheeks when he was happy was a sight he imprinted in his mind, staying there forever.

Just those things made Chan glow with happiness.


	4. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Jeongin spent the night at Chan's house was the day his parents left for a tiny vacation on spring break. 

The first time Jeongin spent the night at Chan's house was the day his parents left for a tiny vacation on spring break. 

Jeongin had been inside Chan's house before, hanging out. Even once his parents met Chan's own for a dinner. Though it was just in the living room and the dining room mostly. But other than that, they both usually stayed at the youngers house. 

The elder complained that it was boring at is house, saying he liked Jeongin's pillows more than his own. Excuse after excuse. But because of their parents growing close they decided to invite Chan's parents to their vacation as well. 

_Leaving Chan in charge of taking care of himself and Jeongin._

Jeongin had been left alone with the elder before. But not in Chan’s house. He was anxious of being alone with him. There had been times he had done and said some questionable things. Things that hinted towards his feelings but never outright saying them. 

_What was he going to do?_ He'd be surrounded and enveloped in everything that was Chan. Would shower and use the same soaps and hair products as him, sharing the same bed, being in his room that he knew was more impressionable than his own. 

Jeongin can remember the times he had been close to Chan in more than a friendly way. Ways he would pass off as him being overly affectionate but had his own agenda attached to it. 

Whenever he was driven home, he remembers how they would sit parked by the side of the sidewalk. Just talking about anything, as if they wouldn't be able to talk over the phone. He was stalling for more view time, more time to just be able to stare at the other. 

Or the time they went to a school play together. It was a sad excuse of comedy; the students had written it themselves. But anyway, they still got the tickets, despite knowing the outcome. To be honest _any_ excuse he could use to stay by Chan was what he wanted, even if they had to endure a shitty school play and cheap store-bought cupcakes they offered at the entrance..Filling his schedule up with the tiny things. 

He knew how much the girls around him were angry at him. For staying around the elder, for _'stealing'_ his attention. Anything that Jeongin interrupted gained more traction around the school. More rumors, more questions to if he and Chan were together. Things like that he wanted more of, more of the jealously from girls, more attention on him. His ego would only grow more and more knowing the power he had over others. 

To be honest it didn’t do much to Chan however. It seemed like he didn’t notice the thingsJeongin did purposefully. It was obvious what he did, like wrapping his arm around the others waist and just acting like an oblivious maknae who was just being clingy. When he would purposefully laugh a little louder to grasp the attention of everyone else as a way of saying _'see he's mine'_ because he was petty. 

They would hold hands when watching a movie, would cuddle when night time rolled around. Would run fingers through the elder's hair and pretend he was _'bored'_ so he could get closer. Any excuse to touch Chan _was_ his agenda. 

Jeongin wasn't stupid. He knew what he was doing and how to do it correctly. Sure, he was shy, he was awkward, but he knows what he wants. He wanted to be Chan’s everything and more. 

Chan's house was calmer than Jeongin's own. His parents swapped a lot of the retro styled things in the house for more convenient things. But the kitchen still had the checkered black and white tiles. Still had the old school curtains over the windows and back door. 

It felt as if he walked into Nuke town, that fallout post-World War II nuclear paranoia of the 1950s was right in front of him whenever he walked around town. That was the point at least, it was everywhere. Smothered in almost every corner of every part of town. Until the signs indicated you were entering another town. But not with Chan’s house, oh no, it had to be the most up to date home he’s ever seen (first modern house he saw in person that wasn’t on television that is). 

When he entered the elders’ room that's when he was really shocked. It was a place he’s never seen before even after being at the elders’ house only a couple of times. Shelves of vinyl's were in one corner along with awards upon awards from sports. Band posters lined the wall. In that moment Jeongin breathed in the room, mapping out where everything was, how now _he_ would be leaving trace of himself there. 

It was comfy and dark, with pillows stacked and plaid sheets and throw blankets folded neatly. Placed on the ottoman at the foot of the bed, leather and sleek. Though he was timid, shy, hesitant to take a seat and get too comfortable. Feeling all these emotions blossom and consume him whole, wanting to do what his heart wanted most. 

"You can get comfortable Innie" Chan interupted his thoughts, his worries, taking a seat on his bed and laying down. 

Jeongin followed suit, sitting down and looking down at the elder. 

"Hyung" He called out, laying down with his head on the elder’s chest. 

Chan looked at him, humming in response. 

"Can I borrow one of your hoodies?" 

The elder didn't answer for a while, "You brought pajamas already yea?" 

"Of course I did" 

"Then why do you need a hoodie" He teased with a chuckle. 

_"Channie hyung"_

His whining almost always won. Earning him a nice big hoodie to slip into happily. When Chan sat up, leaving the youngers grasp he pouted, tugging him back to the bed to cuddle with. Chan didn’t even argue, just lying next to Jeongin with a smile. 

It was moments like this where Jeongin wondered. _Why did everyone like him... want his attention... But not Chan himself? Why wasn't he flustered by whatever he did?_ He’d pull the elder towards him like so, brush his hair back and compliment him silly. To the point that Chan’s cheeks were red and strained. Jeongin knew that girls liked him, for his grades and his looks. It was common sense, it was obvious. It happened just as often as it did with Chan. 

But Chan was always so friendly, patting his head and calling him a sweet dongsaeng whenever he did anything. Sure, he had been around him more than the girls coming after him andJeongin himself. But he was never close like Jeongin wanted. However, he was brushed aside like a child. As if Jeongin’s obvious flirtations were just normal things friends did. 

Jeongin was younger, yeah, but by only a year. But Chan treated him like he was a little baby, that he was a little brother. And he hated it. Besides his braces that were coming off in less than a year he wasn't twelve anymore. He was seventeen, top of his class. Why did Chan just look at him like he just turned four? 

He wanted to be taken seriously. Wanted Chan to be begging for his attention. It was bad to think this way. To want to be the center of the elder's attention. Maybe this break could be the key to what he wanted. He knew that the jealously and the way he was acting now was peak childish, he was pouty and whiny and a mess emotionally. 

The first night of break however was an all blow kill to Jeongin. Already them in the same bed had affected him. But just overall, he _may_ have died. 

First Chan and him made dinner together, with the elders pulled up sleeves, pushed back hair. Tied with Jeongin's little apron wrapped around him, and his own pulled up sleeves ( _of chanshoodie!!!_ ). 

It felt intimate under the kitchen lights, felt domestic how they worked together. They brushed hands while they worked, shared looks and laughter whenever they did the smallest things. But it took a lot out of him to not press Chan against the counter and just completely ravish him. 

Seeing his side view and eating with Chan at his fancy dinner table really made his day. Because he felt close, felt like this could be date. That he could lean in and kiss the elder's cheek. 

Though after the night settled in, after they watched a movie since it was too early to sleep just yet... Chan sat close with a blanket over them two and Jeongin could feel their hands brushing against each other under the blanket. It was warm and dark and just them. In the dark and pressed together, with the night cradling them. 

Just the feeling of his warmth alone made him distracted from the movie completely. Times like this did Jeongin wish that things were easy. That he had the courage to tell the elder how he felt. But under the pressure of having nowhere but an empty home to run to if things ended badly. Or to have to stay in the same house as Chan after a rejection. Their friendship would be ruined. 

But the hoodie brought comfort. Knowing that he was the one wearing Chan's hoodie, that he would get to have this giddy feeling. That he could fall asleep and have Chan cuddle up to him, lay against him. 

When the night had seeped in though. When even the smallest pin drop would crackle against the floor. That's when Chan decided to call it a night and to start getting ready for bed. 

Making heavy steps to Chan's bedroom, Jeongin finally made it to the doorway. Though it was Chan to stop them before his feet could touch the floor of the elder's bedroom. 

"You can take a shower first, I can show you how to turn it on too" Which was very reassuring knowing that Chan had his back always. He sort of always knew when the younger was uneasy, not really what _about_ but he always knew. Even in this tiny predicament, Chan was always there taking care of him in the tiniest of ways. 

Just the heat alone and the spreading of suds that smelled of rosewood, but the contrast of strawberry shampoo and conditioner made the younger giddy. He wondered if he were to be wrapped up in Chan's warmth if he could for a moment smell both the rosewood and the strawberry scent. If he could be encapsulated in his scent forever, just those thoughts plagued his mind as his deft fingers swept across his skin. 

The water pressure was better than his own shower at home, massaging his muscles and soothing him with the warmth. It was a calming break from being surrounded by Chan's personal warmth, by his everything. Jeongin didn’t mind being surrounded entirely with things that were Chan’s, that wasn’t the issue, it was his heart. His heart that couldn’t handle this overwhelming feeling of Chan everywhere. In the air, the smell, in the structure of the house it all just screamed out the elder. 

Now distanced by a door as the elder had his own bathroom attached to his bedroom, he wondered what was else was to come of tonight. He was calmer than before, constantly being on edge no matter what he was doing. If he walked wrong into his room, if he even was allowed to touch things. Jeongin just didn’t want to mess things up. 

Though it ended quickly after it felt like ages in the shower, like he was ripped from reality for just a mere second that felt like decades. _Did that make sense?_ It felt like all this time went by but didn’t at the same time. But whatever, he got over it, got dressed (thankful that Chan had brought in his bag earlier, changing in front of the elder would’ve killed him honestly). 

That however wasn’t the part that ripped him from his body. That wrecked him completely. It was the fact that as he laid in bed with his plaid-patterned pajamas pants and a regular grey shirt, he was vulnerable. 

Chan had gone to take a shower himself, leaving the younger by himself in his large room. He had almost curled into a ball, like a flower cowering under the moonlight. Desperately wishing the sun was out, that he wasn’t afraid anymore. The bed that dipped under his every movement felt too large, like a trap that would suffocate him. 

Chan had walked out with literally— _He's serious here boys_ —Just basketball shorts. And the room was enveloped with steam and the smell of him. He didn’t want to stare too long, to linger on his body or the way his hair was damp and cute. But it was hard _not_ to. 

_Who did he literally think he is? Some Greek god?_ (The answer is yes). 

No words were shared between them, only a tiny _‘we should sleep’_ from Chan who got the blankets ready. When the lights shut off, the sheets covered them both Jeongin only stared at the elders back. Scared to rustle the blankets or move at all. He could feel the distance between them, the cold sheets that distanced them. But of course, Chan had turned over and mumbled a, _'come here'_ and Jeongin may have died. 

His head tucked underneath Chan's chin, hands not knowing where to rest, left to hover between their bodies. What was he to do when anything could be seen as creepy? Even now with his face so close to the elder's neck, breath fanning over his skin. Lips close to touching any of his warm supple flesh. 

But he could feel his Adams apple bop, Chan swallowing before his hand's pushed on his lower back, pressing them closer. Of course, this flustered Jeongin. Hands now pressed between them, fingertips grazing parts of his chest. Or maybe it was lower than that—Oh yeah, he was touching skin oh- oh okay. _Just don’t freeze_. He kept telling himself, to not freak out. 

Jeongin tried to breathe normally, tried to calm his heart from shaking within him. Hoping the elder couldn’t feel it, oh _please don’t feel it_ . He could feel Chan’s own so that _had_ to mean the elder could feel his own heart, right? Though the beating in the others chest meant nothing, no way he was nervous or flustered by Jeongin being so close. 

It's not even like he's never done this before. The first night Chan had come to spend the night. When he commented on the furry throw pillows and fairy lights (He had muttered, _'cute, just like you'_ under his breath and Jeongin was sure that he died). They’ve slept in the same bed before, even on Jeongin’s smaller bed that had them touching no matter where they moved. 

By the time they went to bed after a little awkward dinner with him and his family. Ignoring hismother's suggestive eyes too mouthing, _'he's handsome'_ when Chan was busy eating and spouting compliments left and right. When it was actually time to sleep, he remembered how quickly the elder had stripped himself of his shirt without any hesitation. How he wasn’t as nervous as now. 

I mean it's not like they weren't both guys, hell, Jeongin didn’t even know if Chan was into guys at all. So, it wasn’t awkward for him like it had been for Jeongin. That night when they tucked themselves under two separate blankets it's all he could think about. 

But it's not like _now_ , where they share one blanket and it was just... Too much yet not enough. Now they were alone with each other, anything could happen really. Even if this was flustering, even if he didn’t know what to do while smothered by everything that was Chan. It was warm... It felt like home to him. 

Though he wanted more of this, more of them being this close. He loved how good of a friend Chan was to him. This was his _other_ favorite part of Chan. This comforting, nurturing side. The one that made sure he was okay and asked about his day regularly. Who made sure that he was doing good in class and offer to study with him so he wasn’t alone. 

There were even days where Jeongin was just drained, who wanted to rest and the elder just... Accepted that sweetly. Who gave advice for him and his own friends when there was groupdrama. He was just always there for him, he confided him with everything. 

Chan was handsome yea, but his just... his warm smiles and caring demeanor really madeJeongin feel like he was worth it. Like he wasn’t just the _'cute smart kid'_. 

Though with the elder by his side, holding him close and running his hand at his lower back. Soothingly running fingers through his hair, just peacefully doing so without a word. It lulled him off to sleep with a calm heart. Without his heart being lodged in his throat for once. 

_It was probably the best sleep he’s ever had_. 


	5. S

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Spring break had met its peak of heat throughout the last couple of rainy days, Chan decided to call it a good sign for them to go out again.

When Spring break had met its peak of heat throughout the last couple of rainy days, Chan decided to call it a good sign for them to go out again. 

_It had been a good break_ ; Chan had thought to himself. Just them alone together turned out to be great, better than his worried heart had thought it would be. All the scenarios he had thought of, all made out of worry and anxiousness had disappeared. 

They had made a little schedule between each other within just a couple of days, an unspoken one that is. Waking up to make breakfast, to see Jeongin wrapped in a soft sweater, sipping coffee with the cutest puffy eyes. Chan would stand shirtless, loose pajama pants by his hips making pancakes. All with the warm sun hitting their bodies from the open kitchen window. 

He didn’t know what time it was when he woke up, but it was always when the sun was freshly rising. When the shower water was hot and the pressure washed off the dreams he could barely remember. The feeling of a warm comforter just a forgotten moment. 

Of course, they took showers when Jeongin woke up—not together of course—But they always waited for one another to be up in order to start their day. Slipping fresh pajamas back on as they didn’t plan anything other than movie marathons or deep conversations in the living room. 

They cleaned up after breakfast and a shower, folding their used blankets and making the bed before going off to start their day. Which usually only consisted of them just chilling lazily around the house. Thrown over one another sometimes, or Chan laying in the youngers lap with his fingers massaging his scalp. 

Whenever they ate breakfast, it would be across from each other, or even on Chan's sofa as they watched morning cartoons to pass the time. Everything they did was together, or with each other nearby. As if they would die if not at least a couple feet away. Grasping onto one another like a lifeline. 

Chan for a slight second would imagine them in the future like this. Having their own house, sitting on the couch, but instead of this distance it would be them closer. With their legs brushing against one another and Chan could be enveloped in Jeongin's scent. Maybe laying on his chest, so close their shared heartbeats with one another. 

I mean it was childish to think of a future such as that, they were still young. Unknowing of the future and what it holds for them both. What they’ll even be doing a month from now. Chan was sure however, that he and Jeongin would always be around one another. Anytime he thought realistically of what they might be up to in the days or years to come, he could never think of a time without the younger by his side. 

Jeongin was just there eternally. That’s what his heart told him, what his mind agreed with as well in quiet whispers. Even if they weren’t together-together romantically, he was always going to be a part of Chan’s life. 

Their parents have checked up on them whenever they could, calling them and even sent money just in case they needed more for groceries. Even now he was glad that Jeongin's parents liked him so much and that he made a great impression on them with a clean record. Glad that he didn’t make a fool of himself, that he proved to them that he would always be there for their son. 

He wondered what they would be like if him and their only son became a couple. Wondered how his own parents would take it, despite them having their own little pokes and teasing at him. He wondered how they liked Jeongin. If they saw what he did and really wanted to make him a part of the Bang's. 

He knew how the Yang's felt about him. From the soft gestures and the way they told him they enjoyed him around. Once they had thanked him for being around, or called his parents to check up on them. There were times they even helped him pick out gifts for Jeongin whenever he just wanted to surprise him for no their reason than to spoil him. 

When he took a sip of his coffee his eyes scanned over Jeongin who took his time eating pancakes. Syrup lining his lips and he couldn’t help but stare, gulping at the way the youngers tongue swiped up the sweet syrup. He looked more awake now, and innocent as can be as he softly blinked. Staring off at anything as if he saw a million stars. Gazing preciously at everything. 

But Chan did wonder how Jeongin felt about him? Did he feel the elders' heart at night when it pounded under his warm fingertips? Wanted to know how he felt about Chan just being touchy feely. Wondered if he were to kiss him right now would he reciprocate it. How would he feel against him, if he would pull Chan onto his lap and ravish him? 

Those things laced his mind with worry because he didn’t want to be seen as an older brother. If anything, he just wanted to be a support system and a home for Jeongin to come back to. Wanted to know that he had arms to hold him whenever he needed. 

He wanted Jeongin to see him as a man, just as he saw the younger. The slight age difference didn’t bother him, if anything it just made him want to protect the younger more than before. But not in that _'you're young and need to be protected'_ but more of _'you're precious to me and I want you safe always'_. 

"Chan hyung" 

His named was called and all his thoughts melted away at that sound of the younger's voice. 

"W- What?" He looked at the younger, fingers nervously running through his curls. 

He smiled, braces shining, "You were staring..." 

Seeing him laugh made Chan laugh as well, always contagious. 

"Oh," He took another sip before setting his mug down. His pancakes stayed untouched for the moment. Chan almost cringed at how cold they must be now. But he didn’t show it, just ate it normally. 

"I was just thinking about what we should do today" I mean... _Now_ he was thinking about that. He couldn't just tell Jeongin what he was actually thinking of. 

Jeongin sat back in his chair, thinking with his eyebrows furrowed, nipping at his lips. 

"We could always go swimming; you mentioned a river you went to" 

Ah yes, the river he used to go rafting on with his family on spring break. He remembers telling Jeongin about his last trip while he was in the shower. Jeongin getting ready in the bathroom with him. 

The night had settling in and as their routine came in to place. With Jeongin's apple hair, tying his bangs up to wash his face. That's when it became really domestic, when Chan could pull back the curtain to talk to Jeongin whose face was covered in suds. 

He remembers talking to him about just anything before bringing up the river story. Which composed of him falling into the water and losing his sandals in the woods, popping his raft and having to walk home in the dark barefoot. 

So now with a soft boy in front of him saying he also wanted to go. Who said he was willing to risk losing his own sandals with him. Chan felt a little pang of warmth in his heart, it wasn’t that deep, but still it felt like a risky proposal at best. 

"I think that's a great idea... we can pack some food and blankets". 

Which ended up being a great idea indeed. One that really made Chan's heart jump from his chest. 

It wasn’t the warmth, the leather seats of his car that really got to him. Nor was it their wet bodies from being submerged in water. No, it was when Jeongin just picked up some rocks and built a little tower. When he would point to the fishes swimming past and the birds chirping. Chan's whole breath was stolen from him, not because of the cold water. Not because of them water battling. 

It was when the sun started to set, when Jeongin's wet locks were flat against his forehead and their scent was masked by the lake. Times like these were happy things that Chan would never want to forget. 

But of course, they ate, their fingers pruned and legs dripping water as much as their hair was as well. It just became darker and darker as the minutes passed, until they were somewhat dry and sitting in the front seat. Towels underneath them to prevent the seats to be soaked. 

The night was silent, it was dark, but they made no movement or spoke up about leaving. It was just them and the stars above them. With the river flowing as fast and harsh as it always did. With such ferocity against their roughed-up kneecaps, the soles of their feet worn from the rocks. 

It was the best background music ever, the rushing water and crickets under the buzzing of stars. The heat in the car on slightly, softly purring, warming them up. 

But with the skies own blue ocean, that twinkled its hot rocks above. It was dripped down on them like soft feathers. Just hitting their cheeks with such delicacy, they couldn’t feel it. Like little angel kisses. He could even see the stars within Jeongin’s eyes, that glowed and gleamed with such kindness. 

Chan wondered if he were to kiss Jeongin right now, if his own face would glow bright like the sky above. If he would burn beautifully and kiss him back like soft feathers. Wondering if that was okay for him to do. If he could just... graze his fingers against his soft skin and cradle him. 

_He wishes he had the courage to do that._

His thoughts drowned him, made his heart stutter and his breath halt. They were mere dreams, wishes that would never be granted unless he did something. It felt like an impossible feat... 

Even by the time they got home, when the shame of changing in front of each other faded. Their clothes still remained the smell of the river, still damp as they fell to the floor along with the wet slap of the towels they sat on. Although dry they still had this damp feeling wherever the fabric was pulled off. Remaining a cold yet sticky area of skin to be left behind. Chan's hair was left in frizzy curls, the lake not doing anything good to his styling. 

They took turns showering, getting into thick warm sweaters and snuggling under warm blankets on the couch. They made warm chicken noodle soup from the can in the dark kitchen. Letting the moon light their way as they moved around the house. Simple and quick to warm themselves up. 

Again, his mind drifted to the way Jeongin smelled of him. Keeping his own sweet smell behind Chan's own that had eventually rubbed off on him. Putting on a movie and using the excuse of being tired he pulled the younger close. 

Maybe this isn't what just _friends_ did. Perhaps this was a little _too_ close than others would be with their own friends. Even Chan knew that his friends casually held hands but never snuggled like this. Never wanted one another to reek of nothing but their intermingled scents. They would throw their limbs around one another but never did they get shy over it. They were friends. 

Now the elder could argue that they were different, that their relationship was a deeper bond. But he knew that wasn’t the case. He knew that, with Jeongin so close he would be able to hear his heart beating so fast. 

But for now, he would bury his face in the younger's hair. He would wrap the other in his embrace and hope that he could just tell the younger through these subtle touches and that would be all he needed to know. All he needed in order for Jeongin to understand his heart. 

Chan was good at many things. 

He was exceptional at sports, always the team leader when he was growing up. There wasn't a day where out of the blue and white mesh jerseys the school provided (and most likely kept for years without washing) that he didn't get the one gold jersey. Signifying that he was the leader. 

His grades weren't the best but he was exceptionally good at math and science. Algebra was his favorite, calculating shit in his head and being _right_? That was the best feeling, when you knew 100% that you were right because math doesn’t rely on dates or facts. It was all merely formulas. History he hated, having to learn about stuff like that was boring. Hard for him to remember any significant fact about any event unless there was a joke or song the teacher had made for it (Latitude Fattitude meaning horizontally, Longitude... Long like vertically, thanks Mrs. V). 

Honestly, he was the class clown growing up, the nice one as well. He could never shut up sometimes but maybe that was his ADHD and not him being a very extroverted introvert. Most days he found himself invited to many parties, groups and made friends easily. 

But to be honest with himself. Talking about how he felt? He was terrible at that. 

There were things he could talk about, like if he was depressed or if he was anxious about something. Small talk like that was fine because he could disassociate from it or it was just something easily to admit. 

Harboring feelings for someone is different. Admitting you think about someone every day, that you daydream futures with them. Telling someone that you don't care where you are as long as they're there with you. Showing that large amount of vulnerability was harder than asking for help in class and that in _itself_ triggered anxiety attacks. 

Chan could swoon girls left and right from just by being on the sports team. he knew he was handsome, that he was kind and that's what most people liked. He always helped classmates if he got ahead a lesson, girls would even pretend to need his help despite them being just fine. 

But how would he do any of that to Jeongin? Just by being himself he gained a friend, but he couldn't just score a point on his team and swoon the other. He could only stare and hope he was sending some signal his way, like c'mon take his Sim commands and _LOVE HIM._

Naturally of course. 

Nothing but genuine feelings here please. 

He knew Jeongin had eventually fell asleep when he heard soft breathing. So of course, he made sure to shut the tv off and pull him closer as to not fall off over later on. Made sure that he was covered in the blanket and just buried his face deep into the crook of his neck. He may have been the older one, but he liked this. Fitting into Jeongin's side as he was a little bigger than he. 

And if he pressed a kiss to the younger's collar bone, that was _his_ secret. 


	6. T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeongin made it his life goal to always wake up with Chan by his side. To just be there with him and feel these feelings all over again.

Jeongin made it his life goal to always wake up with Chan by his side. To just be there with him and feel these feelings all over again. 

He only could stare at Chan's backside as he cooked. The domestic feelings all coming back to him and his chest bloomed with warmth. If he were to go and back hug Chan right now,  _ what would happen?  _ What would the elder do if he nosed at the others bare neck, pressing a kiss to his nape?

He often thought about that whenever they got up and ready together. Curious if he could stay like this forever, in this world of Chan. School was coming back soon. He could feel it in the air, could feel it with every second that passed and every breath he took. Their little vacation was coming to an end but all that was on his mind were his feelings. 

This was Chan's senior year and it was only so long before it would be too late for him to confess his feelings. There was only a little time left before Chan went off to college, forgetting all about Jeongin. What if Chan found himself a cute, college smarty-pants girlfriend? That would  _ crush  _ Jeongin. 

He was only in his Junior year; his grades may be high and he was smarter than most. But he wasn't Bang Chan dating material. He probably wasn’t boyfriend material for anyone, didn’t scream anyone's dream-date.

The younger could only stare at the elder's backside in hopes for  _ something  _ to change. He thought maybe this would be their time to talk, to see each other more in depth than face-level friends. He even had rehearsed speeches to himself, even scenarios that were perfect for bringing it up. But after everything it just seemed to frustrate him more. 

They weren't going anywhere and it wasn't even Chan's fault. It was Jeongin's for having all these opportunities to say something but never actually opening his mouth. There were plenty of times he laid awake, tucked into Chan's chest or Chan tucked into his own. Even out an about around the house in thought. 

When asleep the elder knocked out, never woken up by much so it was easy for Jeongin to get up and roam. To sit on the couch and just breathe. His feelings were suffocating him to the point that being around Chan  _ hurt. _ Knowing he didn't feel the same was the hard part, yet they were still close and touchy. The fear of losing the friendship was something that hurt and scared him all at once. 

But watching Chan cook for him, hearing him hum to a tune he didn’t know warmed him up. If he just kept this down, let these feeling's bubble maybe he could cherish what they had now a little longer. 

There may have been limited time for him to open up but... he just didn't know how to go about this. He didn't want it to be too late but he also didn’t want to let this go. 

He wanted to do this every day, to walk each other to class, to taste the warm coffee in the morning off of the elder's lips. But maybe that could never be, maybe if he just waited a little longer these emotions of his would calm down. 

Eventually making plans, they ended up at a river. Chan had mentioned it one night, had en entire story for it but that's all Jeongin honestly could remember. 

The rest was a blur of Chan stepping out of the shower, towel around his waist and still dripping water onto the floor. For a moment Jeongin's mind shifted. All he could think of was leaning in and kissing the elder. He wouldn’t even mind If his clothes got all wet. But he just kept washing his face to try to cover his red cheeks. 

Even now as Chan laid on a rock, water splashing from behind him as he recited the little mermaid lyrics. Jeongin wanted nothing but to just scream that he loved him. Why couldn’t it just be easy? Where he just picks an option of what to say and have it all perfect and rehearsed instead of on the spot. 

It was a perfect moment to say something. With the beautiful trees that stood tall and leaves bright green. Letting slivers of sun through the tiny cracks between the leaves. The sky was a bright azure, with little puffs of clouds passing by calmly.

They slipped and hurt their feet against rough rocks, but that didn’t matter. Continuing to chuckle as they sat upon the rocks, stream tickling their skin as it passed. They just swam and played around, trying not to be taken by the current. Screaming when they felt fish against their ankles. 

When lunch came around it was just the most refreshing wake up call. Water dripping against the rocks they sat at. Jeongin squatting as he ate and Chan reached and patted his hair, ruffling his wet locks. 

"I like-"  _ You _ , Jeongin wanted to say, but he was a coward at all times "-being with you" 

Chan just looked over at him, soft eyes scrunching up as he began to smile. Such a wonderful sight as the sun hit the side of his face. Making him glow.

"Me too" 

"What about your own friends? Didn't you guys want to hang out as well?" Which has been on his mind for a while. All while he was over Chan hadn't even mentioned his friends, let alone other plans they had with him. Surely, he was just a last-minute choice to hang out with, or just seen as a babysitting job to the elder. He was sure it wasn’t true, yet it worried him to know end. These negative thoughts that plagued his mind even at the calmest of times.

"Nah, I wanted to hang out with you, they went on vacation with their family" 

Jeongin could only nod as an answer. They were the odd ones out then. Deciding to stay home,  _ together _ . The Bang’s had offered to take Chan and him with them, Jeongin didn’t want to be a bother. But then, Chan had decided to stay as well and both parents had told them to look after one another. Though there was a small part of Jeongin that wondered if Chan didn’t want to spend time with him.

Chan moved closer to the younger, hand rubbing at his back soothingly,” would’ve picked you even if they didn’t go”

Again, effortlessly It seemed like Chan read his mind, read his worries. Soothing him and comforting his fragile heart and emotions that threatened to break. To spill over and ruin everything.

“What about you?” Chan asked. 

“Oh, every year Jisung goes with his family on a cruise” He usually just spent his spring breaks at home, huddled in his room reading or listening to music. He was kind of boring, he knew that well. Grateful that Chan had more ideas on what to do other than Jeongin’s thoughts of reading (or making out with him for hours, though he’d never admit that). 

That night when they got home and cleaned, that was his favorite night. With just the warmth and movie in the background that lulled him to sleep. It was the best way to end the day. A great way to calm Jeongin down and not go rabid for his feelings toward the elder. 

They almost ate him alive. Staying in Chan’s home with his clothes and just... _ Him Him Him  _ was staggering. It was too much, astonishing how he even made it this far. Chan was  _ everywhere  _ and it was everything __ Jeongin wanted but also was a curse at the same time. Like a child in a candy store, allowed to taste test a bit but never able to eat anything fully. Never able to have the full cookie.

Having this immense hunger for it, craving it. Jeongin could control his wants and tastes, didn’t mean that it didn’t smother him.

The morning after their river visit, was one Jeongin will never forget however. It was forever engraved on his chest, on his heart. He would never forgive himself. He embarrassed himself is all, and who knows what Chan thinks of him now.

Jeongin woke up with Chan on top of him, face snuggled into his neck. Arms and legs wrapped around him. But he wasn’t. Chan’s body was warm, his breath fanning against the youngers neck had his breath hitching. His heart staggering, stumbling and making it impossible for him to calm down. He should've felt uncomfortable by the weight.  _ Should have _ is the key word. No matter how older Chan was, he was no doubt smaller, lighter than you might've thought. 

Chan worked out; I mean  _ no shit _ . He was an athlete. Yet even with all that muscle, all those toned abs and all  _ that _ ... Muscle shit (Jeongin didn’t know anything about working out much). But with his sweater on, it drowned the elder and made him look smaller and cuter than usual. It masked any sign of muscle, leaving just an innocent sight behind.

Waking up like that... Jeongin could only grin at the ceiling. Hand running up through Chans hair, fingers played with his curls, delicately running through the locks. The other rubbing the elders back in soothing circles, taking in this moment as best he could. 

He didn’t move though, didn't want to. Because if he did then Chan would wake up, he would get up and this moment would be over. This warmth that would only come at night, when Chan was vulnerable and probably didn’t think too far into this. 

Like Jeongin was right now, thinking far into it. Wanting more of it. 

But that wasn’t what embarrassed him. Him staying here and pretending he was sleeping still when the elder had woken up wasn't embarrassing either. Sure, it was kind of pathetic that he laid there as if he wasn’t just relishing in the warmth of his hyung minutes before. Chan sitting up and taking his warmth with him almost made Jeongin shout out a, _ ‘come back’ _ .

Thankfully, the elder had laid right back down, playing with Jeongin’s hair. Laying calmly on top of him, breathing against him. Gentle touches were shared and he just prayed that this time, Chan didn’t feel his heart banging and shaking within himself.

The actual embarrassing part happened later on.

When Jeongin had gotten up and got ready to start his day, it was midday. He’d fallen asleep after the elder pet him, waking up alone on the couch. The sun was starting to fall down, touching the cool blue in the sky that has started to darken. It was only the afternoon yet; they were too warm and comfortable to want to go out shopping. It's not like they ate that much anyway.

He walked into the kitchen, seeing Chan hunched over the stove with a paper in his hand. He was still wearing the sweater from last night but his curls seemed softer, the shower last night had washed the lakes remains from them. The floating feeling remained, as if Jeongin was lighter than air. But that also was due to the fact that he was happy, that he could remember the feeling of Chan against him. 

The elder looked cute, soft,  _ kissable _ . The puffiness in his face had went down, leaving sleek jawbone behind. Plump lips pursed in thought.

"What are you doing Channie" Leaving out the  _ 'hyung'  _ part, teasing the elder. Pushing the line of formalities they had. 

I mean  _ sure  _ they had an age gap, and part of their culture was to respect that. But that was something he always played around with. Something that if his parents found out they’d probably grab a sandal and throw it at him for not respecting that age difference. 

"Huh?" Chan jumped a bit, turning to the younger "oh I'm attempting to cook" 

The younger stood closer, leaning over Chans shoulder, "Kimchi jjigae? Chan—"

_ "Hyung to you" _ Chan interrupted. And Jeongin bloomed with love.

"—I've never seen you cook any Korean food since I've known you" 

Which was true. He usually only heard Chans parents cooking traditional Korean foods. They had even left kimchi in the fridge for them. However, Chan was a basic guy who ate at regular restaurants and made basic foods, things that didn’t require recipes other than just muscle memory. Whenever they  _ did  _ cook it was always the basics and simple things that wouldn’t take long. Or they’d eat out.

"Well there’s a first time for everything" 

He pressed closer against the elders back, looking at the ingredients. Of course, he really was there for the closeness. Touch starved he needed to be grounded by holding the other.

"At least your mom will be happy we finally touched the kimchi in the fridge though" and he slipped away. If he stayed any longer, it would be seen as weird and freak the elder out. Which was the  _ last  _ thing he wanted to do.

But that wasn’t the embarrassing part either. It was embarrassing, pathetic how he followed the elder around like a dog begging for food. That wasn’t the huge thing. It was just something they could move past and continue to just live and breathe normally. 

They worked around one another, preparing the meal together while looking at some recipe online. Jeongin helped whenever the elder needed it, of course. Most of It was just them talking though, them joking around, messing up on measurements and chuckling over it. Chan shrugging with a die, _ ‘if we die... I mean at least we tried’ _ . 

It was when the afternoon was really settling in, the time read 6pm, an early dinner for once. Because the more they got into it, the quicker the process was.

They had decided to watch a romantic drama, deeming it just good background noise they didn’t have to pay attention to that much. To be honest that was a lie, because Jeongin found himself paying attention to every breath in the show. Eyes glued at the main characters interactions. 

It was the same old, friends to lover's trope. How the guy was enamored completely by the girl who seemed dense. She shared the same feelings but never realized it herself that the guy liked her too. The kind of drama that had a solution that would take an episode to overcome yet dragged over twelve episodes instead.

At first it was kind of sad to see the guy try his hardest to win her over and tell her how he felt. That nervous feeling that Jeongin new all too well. The way the main guy tried his best to impress the girl, to flirt and hope for the best.

But when the two actually ended up together, Jeongin really felt his heart pang with everything they did and said. A conclusion his heart needed in order to heal, a conclusion he was trying to write himself. Dramas always showed the sweetest guys. The sportsy ones that were funny and attractive, yet kind and warm-hearted. Reminding him of a certain elder he knew and loved himself. 

Then he sighed in happiness with the characters breathing out, "I want a boyfriend like him" he pouted. But it was too late to take back what he said, the damage had already been done.

He felt Chan freeze beside him but never saying anything. He only continued to eat his meal in silence as if Jeongin didn’t say anything. That's what was so embarrassing. 

Jeongin was out to his parents, sure. But he didn’t really go out and say it aloud. Because it was his business to know. Now it was out, Chan  _ knew _ . Which meant a lot... what if he felt Jeongin’s heart beating every time they hugged? Or saw his face flushed after every compliment. Or the way he stared at other girls who deemed a threat to him whenever they flirted with Chan. 

Would this change their friendship forever? Would it falter and crash like a building collapsing? Completely wrecking everything and killing anyone in its path. Or would it strengthen it, adding support to the foundation?

Chan wasn’t his, he knew that. They were just friends, that's all. And Chan never showed any signs of being interested in guys before, how would he know if Chan... felt the same way? He didn’t but still, just thinking about it was hard to picture in his head. 

It was just weird that night they went back into Chan's bedroom and for once Jeongin wore his own clothes. Too scared to ask the elder if he could wear a shirt of his, because now it was out and loud as it settled against the silence.  _ What if he knew? _ What if he was just thinking of a way to turn Jeongin down softly.

But the elder still tugged him closer as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t just admit his feelings. Like the younger didn’t just plant a bomb on their friendship that they either could try to disarm or let it detonate.

He wrapped himself around the younger, pulling him close. Jeongin was the one tucked into the elder's neck, which usually would soothe him. In a way it did, knowing the elder didn’t want him as far away from him as possible. They didn’t say anything, no goodnight, just shared breaths between each other. It was just quiet... 

_ Jeongin just hoped he didn’t ruin this friendship. _


	7. A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of Chan’s grasp, swiftly pulled from under him. Break was over.

Out of his grasp, swiftly pulled from under him, break was over. 

Though the morning after remained normal, with them molding to their routine as always. The air was different. They weren’t swayed care-free like they usually were either. 

Jeongin had packed his bag up, returning any sweaters he’s borrowed. One’s he had thrown onto his bag after use along with his own clothes. The impending ending kept following them around. 

They never talked about it, letting it fester and build up. Both knowing how things would end. If they talked about it, it would make it real… _too real_. 

And then, while chilling in the living room in the calm afternoon, _they_ had come. 

They could hear the doors of the car shutting, heard the car lock. Their parents had come home and Chan could see Jeongin’s parents had come to pick the younger up. Reality hit then and there with a harsh smack. The fun was now over. 

Despite knowing they live close by, that they were merely a phone call or text away. They weren’t being separated for life. But Chan’s heart dropped like they were separating for years. Even as Jeongin gave him a hug goodbye, the way their bodies molded for just a second and pulled apart. It felt like he ripped a piece of himself off and waved it farewell. 

Not only did he feel empty, he felt stupid in a way. Break was the time he wanted to take advantage of the fact that they’d be alone. And he had wasted it. Every second of every day had become too precious to him to ruin it with talking about his feelings. And now his shoulders felt too heavy, felt his feet dragging across the floorboards. 

Break; the time he wanted to use to his advantage he had wasted it. He didn’t say how he felt, he hadn’t confessed. Chan danced around his feelings instead, never getting to the point he wanted. 

His house never felt so empty before. Even with his parents there, occupying the other half of the house with noise and bustling about. Throughout dinner and their night routine of watching a movie together felt too quiet. 

His mind would drift off to the cushion beside him and feel the remains of Jeongin's presence. Wanting to catch it and hold onto it while it lasted. The movie was his favorite yet it didn’t grasp his attention, didn’t fuel his feelings anymore. His mind was flooded and clouded by the idea of the younger, of what he was doing, if he missed Chan. 

Later that night, after a hot shower meant to lull him to sleep. To ease his muscles and calm him down. He instead laid awake at night, a top his sheets spread like a starfish basking upon a rock. Skin warm and flushed, clean and pliant. Chan’s heart was heavy, laying on his back clad in boxers and the hoodie Jeongin borrowed. Smelling faintly of the younger. 

Jeongin’s scent remained, body imprinted on the bed. The sheets weeping as they missed the shape of the younger. Even Chan’s fingers could feel the imprint as they ran past the ruffles in the fabric. It was like he was still there… somehow. 

His limbs entangled with the blankets, holding onto it like a vice, cheeks rubbing against it. Just taking a deep breath, face heating up as he was overtaken by emotions, emotions he couldn’t name nor understand. They were just _there_ and taking over his entire soul. He could scream in frustration but he didn’t want to alert his parents. 

_“I like him so much"_ he whined into the fabric, grabbing a pillow to hold it tightly against him. Seeking comfort and warmth the younger wasn’t there to provide. 

He finally understood what all those cliché love stories were talking about. The way the characters felt hit his very core. He’d never thought _he_ would be the type to lay awake at night thinking of Jeongin. Never thought he’d be his own cliché. 

He wondered if Jeongin laid awake like this over someone he liked… wondered if Chan’s touches burned his flesh, bruised him. Made it impossible to think of anyone else ever. Because that’s how Chan felt. He felt overwhelmed and at a loss of what to do, what to even say. 

When he closed his eyes, he could only imagine the younger’s fingers on him. His body flushed against his own and the warmth they would share. Wanted to know what it would sound like if Jeongin breathed his name upon his neck, if he’d press careful kisses to his collar bone like a bee blessing the more delicate flower. If he grazed their lips against the other, he thought of how soft they’d be. 

What if he licked his lips nervously and caught a taste of Jeongin’s own? 

So he _couldn’t_ close his eyes. Couldn’t succumb to the sleep that wanted to take over him. Because he knew if he did, all he would think about is how the younger would kiss him. Would he be soft and shy, nervously going along with trepidation? Or would he take over completely and press the elder to the bed and completely devour him whole? 

Chan even thought about pulling the younger into his lap, holding onto him like he’d run away at any second. Running fingers up the expanse of his back, kissing all over his face. Wanted to wrap the younger in nothing but his clothes and have the school know that he was loved by Chan. 

It didn’t matter who would kiss who, or who would make the first move. Who’d be more submissive or dominant was something Chan could care less about. It was at the way bottom of a list of things that mattered to him, one of no significance in any way. Because the important worries, the important things he wanted to focus on was Jeongin’s happiness. Wanted to be the greatest person he could possibly be. 

On the idea of love, of them together as an item. He just wanted to whisper love confessions into Jeongin’s ear and hold him close. To know he was loved in return and that Jeongin wanted to be with him. He didn’t care about anything else really, not when things like comfort and problems could be discussed healthily between them too if needed. He just wanted to know that Jeongin may possibly like him back even just a tiny smidge. 

Just at the thought of them together, being able to breathe easily and inhale the love around him made his heart flutter. It almost stopped when his phone buzzed beside him. It tore apart his thoughts, shoving them back within himself in a bubbling frenzy. Just by the caller ID showing Jeongin’s name and ringing with a song the younger picked for himself. He felt a soft dread within himself, guilt encasing his heart like a hard shell.   


He knew the younger couldn’t have possibly known of his deepest thoughts. Of the feelings his body was dripping with, hear sobbing inside his chest over how he felt. There was no way that Jeongin knew of his deepest desires that he let loose in his brain. But even so, he still hesitantly answered the phone as if his thoughts had been read. 

“ _Hyung_ ” Jeongin’s honey voice filtered through his phones’ speakers. 

Chan could only gulp, curling into himself and fixing his hair as if the younger could see him, “Yea, what’s up Jeongin?” 

“I just wanted to say goodnight is all,” He said with a smile lacing his words. Chan could picture it, lips turned up and everything. His eyes softly curled and warm with kindness. 

“It’s funny...” He continued, _“I miss you already”_

“I miss you too” _So much_ , he wanted to add. He wanted so badly to say that he wished Jeongin was there to hold him, to warm the sheets like he once did, to make the bed dip with such familiarity that even the bed mopes, missing the younger. He just wanted to talk with him face to face and to cup his face delicately and to just... stare... look at him. _God he was in love_. 

“It’s not like I won’t see you tomorrow in the morning” He chuckled, sounds of shuffling being heard. And it warmed his heart to think that maybe Jeongin was in bed as well, unable to sleep without the elders’ presence. 

Chan broke into a smile, “Of course, with coffee too” 

“Good, well, g’night hyung” Jeongin breathed out, a smile seeping into his voice. Like honey settling at the bottom of your cup of tea, sickeningly sweet and waiting for you to take just a tiny sip of it. 

“Night” 

Chan didn’t have the heart to hang up himself, kept the phone against his ear like a blanket shielding him from the cold. Waiting patiently for the beep of his phone to indicate the call had ended. 

But instead he was met with a soft chortle on the other line. Jeongin hadn’t hung up, waiting just as Chan was. 

“Jeongin?” Chan called out, not able to hold back his smile, running his fingers through his locks. Seeking something to keep him grounded. 

“Can we stay on the line? I Just—I don’t think I’m used to not, y’know being without you is all” 

Chan’s heart would only flutter further. Knowing just as he was, Jeongin felt a piece of himself was missing. He understood those moments where things were off, knowing there were certain things they did together. 

“Of course, but if I fall asleep, just hang up alright?” 

“Okay hyung” 

Chan didn’t know how long they were on the line before he ultimately fell asleep. Didn’t know what they were even talking about before he succumbed to the sleep overtaking him. All he knew was that Jeongin had softly talked to him for a while, had laughed at Chan’s tiny remarks and responses back as he slowly fell asleep. 

Warmth was all he knew, all he felt. Like sun hitting down against wet skin on a hot summer day. Or the sun filtering through the blinds and cascading down your body in ripples of warm touches. It wasn’t just warmth, it was comfort, like the world was watching out for you in the simplest of ways. That’s how he felt with Jeongin. Every second was just a comforting one, one filled with looks and touches that he’s never had before. 

He was just glad. For this friendship he had gained, for their soft words that didn’t have to mean anything but meant the world to him. It was their words, their conversations that no one else could take from them. And that alone cradled him to sleep. 

When morning came, when he had gotten ready there was some shock beneath his touches. His heart raced as he got ready for a brand-new day back at school, heart unable to calm down under his layer of clothes. 

Keeping his promise, he picked up some coffee before pulling up to Jeongin’s residence. Seeing the younger standing there, phone in hand as he waited for the elder was somehow the prettiest sight ever. It wasn’t the sky behind them that was warming up as the sun rose and said hello to the people walking about. The clouds that caressed building tops were nothing compared to the sight before him. 

The sight of Jeongin’s face lighting up like a star, smile bright and twinkling. Even the uniform he wore, something he didn’t miss himself, awkwardly pulling on his tie. Jeongin pulled it off like a casual outfit, it fit perfectly, suited his features beautifully. 

“Morning hyung,” Shutting the door behind him, His voice rang like the nicest bell as he entered the car,“Ooh coffee!” 

Even the smallest things had Chans’ heart collapsing within his chest. 

“I told you I'd bring some” He chuckled out. 

But his heart froze the second Jeongin’s hands were on him, “wait a sec hyung” he said softly, fixing Chan’s tie that he’d pulled loose seconds before. So effortlessly, like it was nothing. 

Him being so close, his nimble fingers so close to Chan’s skin to the point that he could feel the heat radiating off of him as he fixed his tie. He even joked around and teased like he was the older one, taking care of Chan like he was a mere child. But by how close they were, this view of the younger like this, the way he could carefully study every little thing about his face. He could just stop right there and rest lax in his seat and let the other take care of him like this. Just relish in these feelings. 

_Chan knew he was ready, scared, but ready to spill his heart._

He didn’t care how it would end; all he knew were these feelings that filled his entire being was too much to keep inside. Just by the way his hand instinctively reached to comfort the younger, the way he couldn’t hold back anymore. He just needed to spill his feelings before slowly and surely, he was unwound by his seams. Layers of himself rotted away while trying to protect his feelings. And sooner or later the truth would be revealed whether he wanted it or not. 

But he’d want to do it secretly, just them. Like a flower blooming at night just to witness the beauty and light it casted upon the world. Sights other flowers would probably never see as they hid, petals tucked within themselves. Only wishing for the sun to come up and bask them in is light and warmth, without even knowing that the moon has its own light and warmth that comes in the form of comfort. He didn’t want that. 

Chan didn’t want to hide and only wait for good moments, for the _‘perfect timing’_ to come like the golden hour of the day. What was the point in waiting for that perfect moment when he could just tell the other how he truly felt before he bursts? With only the stars and them as their witnesses to remember every word he said, every syllable that slipped past his lips, every feeling and emotion he was overflowing with. 

Nothing was too early or too late now, nor was it perfect or not perfect. Because every moment is perfect in its own way, was made to happen the way it did because that’s just how the world works. No planning conversations or scheduling moments would ever make it as perfect and on script as you wanted it to be. Sometimes things just happened and although it could be messy, as a memory it would be perfect the way it was in time. Shaped and occurred just the way it happened and you can never change that. 

Even if he felt now that he should’ve said things earlier, that he wished he would’ve made a move sooner he knew that could never be. His eyes that welled up with benevolent feelings, just by looking at Jeongin eat, or breathe, or be happy or do anything really; he knew that things had to be done. He knew it so well and couldn’t even fathom the fear of what he could potentially be ruining. 

He was numb, because he knew it was the right thing to do. Even if his emotions and worries were lagging, they hadn’t fully registered. At some point this façade he had of being fine and okay with whatever outcome was going to crumble before him and he would falter. He would be afraid of his own words, his own mouth, his own... _everything_. 

“You have to be presentable hyung, before you get coded again, can’t be written up the first day back” Jeongin spoke with a smile, fingers playing with his collar for just a moment. Just a second before pulling back to take a sip of his coffee. 

“Thanks, anything else?” He teased with a raised brow. 

Jeongin gave a look at Chan, eyes wandering to the tops and bottoms of the elders body, “Nope, you look great, thanks to me” 

But the ride there was more bearable. Even with his heart panging so hard within himself that that’s all he could hear. Other than the idle talk Jeongin had going on about their parents' trip, the keychain he got from them. His words were lodged in his throat and all he could do was smile and laugh, mutter a _‘really?’_ or hum in response. 

They were early, parking in the student parking lot to see only two other cars in their respective spots. But he knew that Jeongin liked being early, liked the empty halls and quiet everything. Peaceful mornings were his favorite, so of course he’d lose a bit of sleep to start his day with the younger. 

Plus, any second extra he got with Jeongin was a gift to him, even as they walk quietly down the school corridors. The locked doors and empty classrooms, the sounds of their shoes hitting the tiled floor was the only sound that could be heard other than their idle talk. 

And then again, the same thoughts from earlier started to bubble up again. Like boiling water, overflowing on the sides of the pot as you restlessly try to calm it down. 

“So, hey how about we hang out afterschool? Just us?” Chan asked, looking at the younger as they walked the quiet empty halls together. 

“Of course, I just have to see what my parents are up to so we can just be alone” Jeongin smiled, running a hand against Chan’s lower back. Comforting as he rested his hand against the jut of his hip. Soft and delicate like Chan was a delicate butterfly, like he was as beautiful and vibrant as one. Especially the way his eyes carefully looked across the elders’ features. 

“I just want to talk, you and me” he nuzzled a little closer into Jeongin’s side, with his own arm swooping around the youngers backside to pull him in closer. As close as they could get without it being weird. 

“Of course, hyung, I’ll see you later okay? I want to turn in my break assignments in before anyone else, but I’ll see you later?” 

Even if there walk and time together ended abruptly, he could only smile deep down knowing that it was just who Jeongin was. Knowing that Jeongin was just a soft nerd who loved just being ahead and loved not having to worry about assignments. It was just so him, so honest and true. 

“At lunch, okay?” His heart stuttered as he spoke, a blissful sigh escaped his lips. 

Although the warmth was ripped from him, it was worth it with the hug goodbye Jeongin gave him before he was off smiling, strutting down another hallway. Leaving Chan and his heart alone in this empty hallway. He squealed as if they kissed like those rom-coms he always watched with his mother. As if he was the happiest in the world, which he was, and could only jump and scream within himself. But all they did was wave each other goodbye, their own _special_ thing. 

It was only their first day back, however overwhelming for even just this, just a few hours of being away from home. Soon tests and finals would be amongst the students, and then it was graduation for Chan. Usually seeing the younger around, even just a glimpse of him in the halls in between classes would’ve calmed him down. But he had not even seen the top of Jeongin’s hair littering the halls. 

He knew that Jeongin was in advanced classes, ones that required a lot of him so Chan was understanding in that regard. Just whiny and needy in his _‘need to be near Jeongin’_ bar that seemed dreadfully empty. 

Every second wasted on longing and yearning only fueled his need to say something to the younger. It was needed and even his friends shook their head in disappointment when he told them. 

“Nothing happened?” His friend asked, whispering by his side as the teacher talked. 

Chan laid his head against the desk, a pout across his features. He didn’t care much for literature right now, not that this was plaguing his mind. The looks on his friends faces, every part of them scrunched up in disappointment just made him remember the times he could’ve said something to Jeongin. But didn’t. 

“I thought maybe I’d gain the courage to say something if we were together and alone, but every time I looked at him… My heart decided to go fuck itself. Ugh I suck” 

Even if he had so many moments, he could’ve said something. Like when Jeongin mentioned his type of boyfriend, how his chin in the palm of his hand made him envious. Chan could’ve been so suave and flirtatious and turned to him, said _‘Am I your type?’_ or maybe a _‘I want a boyfriend like you’_. Anything would’ve been better than what he did, just sat there in silence and probably made the younger feel awkward. 

But the moment his brain started jumbling his words, the moment his lips pursed shut and he froze in his spot. That was when he knew he was too late to say anything like always. When he thinks too much about what to say and what to do and it causes him to not even reply or say things. 

All he got in return was a pat on his back and a curt smile, “Maybe try showing him that you can be all boyfriend-y? He’ll have to understand how you feel, expand your boundaries so he doesn’t just see you as a _just_ friend” 

It was the smartest thing he’s ever heard come out of his friends’ mouth before. It was a thought, an idea that weighed on his mind throughout the day. How would he even accomplish that? Chan had no idea and each class mentioning the last finals they’d have, congratulating them for getting through their last year with flying colors had him even more nervous. It felt like he had limited time before it was too late, before this window of opportunity closed never to be open again. 

He felt that panic of music play in games when your character is going to drown. But you’re still so deep beneath the surface that there is no way to escape on time. Even if you tried you know it wouldn’t work so all that is left is to succumb to the fate. Give into the death approaching behind the sounds of panicked sirens. 

By lunch time he had only a tiny idea that would or wouldn’t work. His mind was otherwise empty, other than the feeling in his chest that bloomed within his bones. Lunch time came around, and within his grasp, snacks piled up in his folded arms; food his parents got for him after he gave them a distressed call about losing his only love (they obviously called him ridiculous but still gave in and gave him a good luck before leaving the school after giving him an array of snacks). 

Most of the snacks were Jeongin’s favorite, and sure at first, he did feel pathetic. Like this was his last resort, like this was all he had left really. He’d tried everything, he thought so at least, and these snacks in his grasp seemed like a last resort. It seemed too obvious, like he was trying to win over a cute dog. 

Honestly though, walking into the cafeteria and seeing his table, it was already too late to go back. Especially when he sat down and saw the younger on the line getting his food. Though immediately, as soon as he turned towards the table, the moment he made eye contact with Chan was the moment time stopped. 

Every time their eyes met it seemed that way. The color and hue would suffocate him and surround his entire being. His entire essence being dipped and rolled around in the depth of his eyes. Soft and delicate as it beckoned him closer, like a flower amongst a field singing as the winds flutter its petals. 

He probably looked ridiculous, with the snacks in front of his crossed arms on the table. But there Jeongin was with a bright smile approaching the table. 

“What’s up with the snacks hyung?” Jeongin asked as he settled in his seat across from him. 

Chan smiled, pushing the bags of chips and cookies towards the other, “For you, I know it must be stressful on your first day back so I got you something to munch on” 

“It’s only fair if you eat some too then, hyung” 

Jeongin treated him kindly, fed him his own food and pet him like he was as frail as a snowflake. And he melted under his touch, under his fingers brushing his shoulder with a final pat. Like he flattened every crease within his soul, softened his harsh parts and yet with such a careful touch he changed Chan’s everything. 

“Only fair if you let me feed you then” He raised a brow teasingly, chin in the palm of his hand. 

Jeongin chortled, smile growing wide on his face, “Alright, I demand choco-pie stat” he slammed his fists against the table lightly. 

He grabbed the package and opening it, raising the cookie to the youngers mouth. It should’ve been an easy task, but simply watching the youngers lips wrap around the sweet was too much. It brought too much attention to the younger's lips, pink and soft without a tear, well taken care of. 

But even so, despite his fixation on the youngers’ mouth, the younger was just as sweet. Feeding the elder any snack his hand grabbed, both going back and forth feeding one another. He could hear his friends at the table scoffing and giving disgusted looks his way whenever he leaned closer into Jeongin’s space, whenever he playfully hit his shoulder or ran his fingers across the others with the excuse of _‘grabbing a snack’_. He knew what he was doing, and it seemed that even if Jeongin had any idea of what he was planning, he didn’t mind. 

Jeongin keened under the attention just as Chan did himself whenever the younger would press a sweet to his own lip, cup his cheek after he ate it and mumbling a little, _‘good hyung’._ Their eyes would meet at parts and the world would stop, yes, but he still thought of all the things he wanted to say. Wanted to drown in the others soft eyes, to take a dip and understand the bewilderment and feelings he may have been feelings in them. Chan wanted to see the world through his eyes and know what similes he saw in the world's simple things, if he had poems fir every situation. 

Wondered how much knowledge he kept drilled away inside of him. What books or movies would the younger compare to him? If he could pick any song, any record that would completely resemble his feelings he wondered what it would entail. What genre jingled in his ear when he talked to the younger? 

Did he find the beauty in the simple things like Chan did? Like the way he smiled no matter what he was talking about, anything made him light up and say everything like it was the sweetest and most interesting thing ever. He could paint the way Jeongin would accidentally drop his pencil and softly sigh with a curse muttered under his breath. Found even his habits of eating the most wonderful gift in the world. 

What is something Jeongin found endearing when it came to Chan? He wanted to know if anything he did or said without trying made the younger incredibly happy. Like he constantly felt whenever Jeongin simply opened his textbooks on the pages he folded over multiple times with little tabs stuck on the outside of the pages. 

Chan wanted to appreciate the day, the time he had away from the younger as much as he could. To keep him and his heart calm and put together without any distractions. Focus on the lesson and the day would roll by faster, ignore his heart pounding in his ear to get by. 

And he tried, he really did. He tried his best to sit and soak up the lesson, to seem there mentally but he wasn’t. No matter the anecdotes and assignments he had lined up on his desk that he would have to work on later as homework had him seriously thinking. His mind was elsewhere, somewhere foggy yet faint in which only Jeongin existed. 

No amount of thoughts and thinking of the younger helped his case. None of them helped him ready himself for what was coming as soon as the day ended. He didn’t even ready himself for the moment his mind shut it all out once practice started, either way it was an issue. 

Thinking about the person without the words you want or need to say or totally forgetting the need to do that in the first place. He couldn’t pinpoint what was worse until the time actually came. 

The afternoon sky had welcomed them as soon as the exited the school’s back entrance near the gym. There were only a couple people left, packing their gym bags into their trunks and leaving the schools’ parking lot. Disappearing down the road into the sunset passed the nearby homes. 

(It made him grimace seeing how close some people outside life was to their school life. His eyebrows furrowed and cringe bubbled deep within him, but then again, it wasn’t his life). 

He could only think of his feet against the court, no memory of the game or what his friends did. He couldn't even remember if his friends passed him the ball, how many baskets they made, and if he was on offense or defense. But what he could so clearly remember was the look on Jeongins face whenever they made eye contact. He remembered how the artificial yellow light hit his face and yet he still looked gorgeous. 

Of course, awareness of the world, the weight of reality hit him once practice was over. Chan only had time to take a quick shower and change but it was nice to feel the fresh air against his supple skin, skin that was still red and flushed from the hot and pressured water. But it was worth it to be walking down side by side with the younger. 

“Thanks for coming to my practice today, did you have a lot of work to do?” Chan asked, looking up at the youngers profile. 

Jeongin shook his head, looking down at the eldest with the softest gaze, “It’s no problem, hyung, it’s fun watching you run around in shorts” 

“Shut up” He jokingly hit the others arm, letting a cackle out of the youngers mouth. 

But once the shot of the car got into his view that’s when the feelings he was trying to push aside came back. 

_Oh yea,_ he thought to himself. 

He thought of what he wanted to say, how he would say it and when. Would he speak up once they sat on Jeongin’s bed? Wait for them to get comfortable and eat something? He should’ve planned ahead but of course he didn’t, he tried to ignore it, tried to show Jeongin his feelings instead of having to say anything. 

The car was there, a few feet away which was the upcoming ride that would probably break him. He’d be okay, he knew that, he knew that Jeongin would still be there and be kind and sweet to him. It didn’t calm his repeating thoughts and worries that seemed like white noise to him. Drowning out the lovely sounds of the air whisking by, the sounds of the birds and trees humming in the afternoon breeze. 

"So your place?" Chan asked, fiddling with his keys to unlock the car. Finally finding the energy and confidence to utter a word after the long silence that overcame them. 

"Yup, my parents are working today,” Jeongin answered. Hands by his side as the wind ruffled his locks, yet did not disturb it, just brushed through and left it perfect the way it was. Never disturbing even a strand on his head. 

Chan unlocked the car with a click to his keypad, going straight to the trunk. Dropping his gym bag into the compartment with a sigh, shutting it with a soft click. 

By the time he got to the passenger side, ready to open the door for the younger. His fingers brushed the car door handle, ready to pull it open until he felt a tug as his sleeve. 

“Hmm?” he turned to face the younger, he seemed hesitant. Like he was contemplating his words before speaking. He didn’t have enough time to prepare for anything really, caught off guard when he felt himself being backed into the cars side. 

Wasn’t prepared for Jeongin pressing him against the car with a searing kiss. Instantly fingers threaded through his hair, pulling him close. It was desperate yet careful and their bodies pressed together, all there was, was heat. Even with the chilly breeze brushing past them couldn’t calm the heat that was bubbling inside him. 

Jeongin had a loose grip, though it felt like he was pressed to tightly against the other, it felt branding as if his fingers burned his flesh. It was only a slight pressure, just in case he needed to run. Like Jeongin was giving him the okay to go away, to push him back; To escape and never come back. But he never went anywhere. He put his hands on Jeongin's waist, pulling him there and anchoring him. Making sure that he himself wouldn’t run away. 

Just in case Jeongin himself had second thoughts, had regretted his choice. His hands just rested there by his hips, rubbing there with such hesitancy. It was everything he wanted yet so afraid of actually doing now as he was in the predicament, but even so, he felt comforted. 

But then Jeongin pulled away, slowly their lips separated and his eyes opened. He took a deep breath, not even noticing that he seemed to stop breathing when they kissed. 

"C-chan I--" Jeongin’s eyes were blown wide, hands shooting back to his sides as if he touched a burning pan. Face heating up and eyes avoiding Chans own, looking anywhere but at him. He stayed leaned over the elder though, like he was frozen in his spot unable to move. 

"I like you, a lot, you probably already know, I just needed to say it before it was too late you know?” he seemed so confident, though the way he stood, his posture felt shy and awkward. But when he stood straight up, he looked older than he, looked way serious. 

He’s always seen the younger as older, as more mature. But now? It seemed like it rested within Jeongin’s bones, the way his face settled so seriously like he’s never seen before. His jaw sharp, eyes piercing and dark yet soft all at once. Every emotion he was feeling seemed festered in his eyes, in his furrowed brows, in his fingertips that gripped Chan’s shoulders. Like some vice he held onto to keep himself grounded. 

Chan didn’t mind being there, being used to keep him steady and calm; to keep him grounded and together. His own fingers found themselves settling on the others hips, digging into the flesh there and pulling him closer. 

“Jeongin” his mouth felt so dry, so unused like he hadn’t talked for years. Like he almost forgot how to talk, some part of him felt that his words were left somewhere on the others lips. As if he stole his vocabulary entirely. 

Just uttering his name caused the other to freeze up, to stand straight and tall like he was ready for any blow coming his way. Built tall like a brick wall, yet he could tell that anything could knock him over. 

“Yes, hyung?” 

He ran a hand to his face, cupping his cheek, “Why so serious, where’d my baby go?” 

“H-hyung why are you so… so calm” 

Ah, there his calm demeanor melted into a pile. Eyes looking around in panic and instantly his stature dropped and Chan could finally see the maknae he’d been searching for. The one he loved so dearly that was so delicate, so soft and kind. 

“Why aren’t you? I’m still here, hyung is here, so please don’t look so worried and scared” 

Jeongin finally relaxed, lax in his touch and leaning into it finally, like a sunflower basking in the sun's rays. Needing that comfort and light to keep them alive, to keep them at peace. His fingers looped into the youngers belt loops, pulling him closer and he beamed in the gasp that slipped out of the youngers mouth. 

“Hyung-- “ 

“It’s just us, don’t worry” he planted a kiss to the younger's lips, which his eyes blew wide in surprise but he stayed still. Tried to remain calm and Chan could only giggle at the effect he had on the other, “but c'mon, let’s go home okay?” 

The younger smiled brightly, nodding like a child, ready to go with the hop in his step. They were good, they were going to be okay. Even if he beat Chan to the finish line of confessions and kissed him, stole his breath away. He was just happy that they were happy. 

But of course, as they were ready to get into the car, Chan called out for the younger with a tiny smile, “And yes, I like you too… before you go worrying about what we are, okay?” and Jeongin bloomed with happiness, giddy as he got into the car with a giggle. 

Everything would be fine; _he just knew it._


	8. K

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment Jeongin realized the break was over, was the moment he sat in the backseat of his parents' car.

The moment Jeongin realized the break was over, was the moment he sat in the backseat of his parents' car. I mean, he knew it was happening when his phone blew up with texts from his parents letting him know they were coming home soon. He didn't inform Chan, of course he didn't, he didn't want to see the look on Chan’s face when it happened. 

His big smile and lovely laughter over movies they watched, jokes they told. Jeongin didn’t want to be the reason for stopping it. Nor did he want the day to end with such a sour taste in his mouth. 

But now here he was, bitterness overtaking his senses as he stared out at Chan’s home. At the front door, the familiar sidewalks, the grass that sung out to Jeongin to come back. He wished he could, wished he could comfort them and calm the grass’ sobs down. Reassure even the foundation of the home and the floor boards that he’d be back. A promise he whispered for their sake and his own. 

And then they were moving, they were going home. Yet for some reason Jeongin felt like he was leaving a piece of himself behind, that part of him was screaming out with such a sad voice. Could see it there standing on the streets corner waving sadly until he was taken away by the wind like a mere mirage being wiped away. He felt it breaking inside of himself, felt his heart dropping as they drove off, as he lost a part of who he was. 

When he had woken up that morning, he already felt his throat choking on his own breath, like bile was rising in his stomach of every bad feeling he had festering inside him. Because he knew what fate was coming for him. It went away with time the more he ignored it, it got better when Chan ran his fingers across his own. He got good at ignoring it until his parent's car pulled up. 

Now he was home, staring into his bedroom he forgot was his. It was just the way he had left it, bed made and things put away with a couple clothes strewn around. It didn’t feel like home, it felt like a foreign place he saw in pictures online but never lived. The room didn’t feel like his, it didn’t feel like where he belonged. 

He could only feel loss nostalgia from it all. Could picture the blond inhabiting his room, the way he’d take up the space perfectly. Memories of them laying in the same bed that sat right in front of him, how perfect the elder looked then, being in Jeongin’s space. Other than that, he had no other emotional connection with it now that the scent of the elder by this point was no longer there. His sheets just smelled like detergent, clean, and elder-free (not in a good way). 

Even as he got ready for bed, unpacked everything in drawers he forgot he even had. His sheets weren’t the same, didn’t mold to his body like Chan’s did, didn’t have anybody there to hold him either. His whole body was awkward, like he was trying on clothes that didn’t fit or he didn’t like. Every part of himself was uncomfortable, out of place. Like a child shoving a triangle block into a circle hole. 

All he could do was sit on his bed in thought, going through his notifications and avoid sleep. His phone felt heavy in the palm of his hand, like it was weighing him down so deep. But without a second thought he’d found himself dialing up Chan’s number, he did it without hesitation, like his fingers had a mind of their own. 

But then he heard the ringing halt, Chan was awake, he had answered. 

“Hyung” He called out like it was the only word he knew. Breathless and full of happiness that the elder was awake. 

He would’ve rather he answer now than seeing that he called so late at night, no way he could just say, _‘I wanted to hear your voice’_. Or tell him that his every being had no meaning when hewasn’t with the elder. It was pathetic and he didn’t care, didn’t bother him that his breath was labored and his mind was foggy without a clue. 

Like a character far from their path, far from their tutorial. Lost without anyone guiding them on where to go, what to do, _who_ to be. Jeongin knew who he was aside from Chan, he was a year younger and the definition of nerd. He should know how to act and how to function and yet it felt like he was short circuiting. 

With Chan he felt like he held more of a purpose. Like Chan had seen him in such a different light, expanded from what he was at face value. Felt like he was part of something greater with the way Chan looked at him. The way he treated him and took care of him so softly. 

“Yea, what’s up Jeongin?” Chan asked, shuffling heard in the background. 

Jeongin could instantly see him all cuddled up with his blankets burying him. Could picture the way he laid down, how his hair looked splayed across the pillows and sheets. He sounded content, that’s all he could wish for, for the elder to stay at peace and full of joy. 

“I just wanted to say goodnight is all,” He said with a smile, playing with his pajama pants string. A familiar warmth was blooming in his chest once more. 

He felt more at home with the way Chan’s voice filtered in through the phone, he felt at peace knowing that in some way Chan was by his side, even if it was over a mere phone call. Jeongincould rub the spot in front of him and imagine the elder there, curled up and staring back at him. 

Could imagine his hand cupping the others face and kissing every single spot on his face. Until every single inch of skin was blessed by his unwavering love, “It’s funny...” Jeongin said with a stuttered sigh. 

“I miss you already”, he said without hesitation. Just warmth, warmth, warmth. Every ounce of his being overheating and filling itself with boundless feelings. 

“I miss you too” Chan replied softly. It was like a secret for just them, or maybe a response he wasn’t supposed to hear this clearly. But even if it was so quiet, it felt belted out back at him, like everything was in overdrive. His ears surround sound speakers blasting the elders’ words at him until his heart crumbled. 

_He misses me_ , his smile wouldn’t lessen. Would only get stronger until every muscle in his face started to strain and scream. He could care less of how much it hurt, what mattered was the joy that resonated inside of himself. 

“It’s not like I won’t see you tomorrow in the morning” He chuckled. I mean it was true, he’d see him just like always but instead of waking up side by side. He’d see him occupying a hall, filling the space someplace else within the school. 

Chan replied sweetly, _“Of course, with coffee_ _too”_ just so calming, so warm like sheets heated up by the sun casting down upon it. He just wanted to curl and feel the heat upon him, wanted to be consumed by his endless light. 

He was so close to just letting it all go, whispering an _‘I love you’_ or telling the elder how much he wanted to feel his skin against his own. Wanted him to bare himself to him, show him everything and tell one another things no one else would know about. Secrets told between the folds of the sheets. He could only manage to spill out a quick, “Good, well, g’night hyung” 

“Night” 

Jeongin could just imagine the grin on the others face. 

His finger hovered over the end call icon, pausing with a heavy heart. Jeongin didn’t have the courage to hang up, not when he knew he wasn’t just asking for a goodnight call. He was searching for the same closeness they had when he was there by the other’s side. 

Thoughts of them eating dinner together, of the way their hands brushing by each other and the way he still looked effortlessly gorgeous under fluorescent lighting. How his lips still looked so plush as he ate, very pink, enticing almost. Even when his dimples were out and he looked the softest, pliable person on earth. Like the softest pillow, cool under his touch, moved and molded in any way with just a slight touch. _With Jeongin’s touch._

“Jeongin?” Chan called out, Jeongin could just hear the smile in his voice. It was enough to have him smiling really wide. 

“Can we stay on the line? I Just—I don’t think I’m used to not, y’know being without you is all” 

He wasn’t. Even now his bed felt hard as a rock, like the coldest shoulder. He was being rejected by his own bedroom. But maybe he was rejecting his room itself as some odd way to cope.Jeongin didn’t think he’d be the type to long this way, to yearn over the simplest of things. It was addicting to be around Chan, to be in his orbit and breath in his own breath, he was a tall glass of Absinthe. 

Beautiful and radiant, enticing to look at, alluring. You wanted a taste, had to have one with the way it looked so pretty. Just even a sip had you addicted, had you needing more. Chan’s everything was like that, any breathy chuckle or mumble beneath his breath was a cold burning sip of liquid delirium. Jeongin couldn’t care less about the after effects, about it slowly driving him to insanity if it meant that he could keep it to himself. Could keep this glass of the elder within his grasp, no one else could have him. 

“Of course, but if I fall asleep, just hang up alright?” 

That sounded like an impossible feat to do, but of course he’d do anything for Chan. 

“Okay hyung” 

They talked for hours about everything and nothing. Even though they’d only been apart for a few hours it felt like they were brimming with things they wished to say to one another but couldn’t, thoughts forgotten amongst them having the time of their lives. 

Though as the night progressed and the call went from minutes to hours long, Chan became more and more unresponsive. Voice dipping into a deeper state, stumbling on words and laughing at nothing funny in particular. It was cute to hear him stutter on a simple word he was trying to spit out, cute to him yawn in the middle of explaining something and then muttering a, 

“S’rry, I… I’m awake _promise_ ” And then dosed off once more. 

Jeongin was grateful that no matter how tired the elder said he was, he wouldn’t end the call. Even when he advised Jeongin to do so, he told him to sleep if he wanted to. But he was stubborn and kept the call going, “If you want to hang up, _you_ do it” he’d argue and it’d become silence. It seemed none of them wanted to end this just yet, stalling for _something_ but nothing happened. 

  


When the line started to get quiet, Jeongin could only stare at his phone. Questioning his next move as he toyed with the phone, eyes staring down the number still counting how long the call has lasted. It was long, they’d already talked for hours, and there wasn't any purpose of still being on the line now that Chan seemed to be fast asleep. Even so, he couldn't put his fingers to the red button to hang up, just wanted to be on the phone for just a while longer. 

  


Knowing the elder was sleeping comfortably, thinking of the phone being tucked to his side as he cuddled close under the covers. He was only worried about his phone possibly overheating, maybe dying, but other than that. Jeongin wanted to be selfish for a while longer, hear the elders sleep-full breaths and shuffling against his sheets. 

  


"I hope you sleep well hyung," He whispered into the phone, rolling onto his back to just stare at his ceiling in thought. Sleep hadn’t even seeped into his bones yet, still wide awake. Without meaning to it seemed the elder had woken him up more than lulling him to sleep. It was like he couldn’t sleep as his mind and body still wasn’t at ease to, all he could do was lay on his blanket and hope sooner or later sleep would creep on him. 

  


He sighed, phone held against his chest, "I love you... did you know that?” 

  


Jeongin let out a breathy chuckle, smiling a little as he felt himself douse himself in his emotions again. Like taking a deep dive, being consumed entirely by water until it seeped inside. Until his lungs were full and every inch of himself, every part of himself was drenched. Whenever he did get this overwhelmed, he could feel it deep within himself, he’d shiver and his heart would shake in its little panicked state of not knowing what to do. 

  


“Like really love you with all those mushy feelings and shit, isn’t that funny? I was trying to tell you all this time and even now I’m a coward" 

  


_I’m just a scared coward._

  


Even though he didn't say it to Chan to his face, an awake face that is, he felt a sort of relief flood his senses. Even for just a second, he felt at peace, felt the weight on his shoulders lift just a bit. Like he rose from the water and balanced on the surface, afloat, surrounded by his feelings but able to finally breathe for once. 

  


But that relief, that bliss of just saying his feelings aloud was replaced with impending doom. With his chest falling into itself and imploding. 

  


"Hmm?" He heard from the other line. His heart stopped, stuttered, and his breath labored and out of panic. 

  


_He ended the call._

  


Jeongin doesn’t even know how he managed to fall asleep after it all. Didn’t understand how he was able to calm down enough for his body to put him into slumber. He just knew that he fell asleep when his eyes shot up in panic from his alarm blaring beside him. 

  


Realization whacked him upside his head as he sat up, the weight of the situation sunk him further down in his emotions. The surface he had once been able to see when he had confessed, had been ripped away from him within seconds. 

  


Just the memory of the stars, of the fresh crisp air flooding his lungs. The wind against his damp skin was no longer there because he was dragged down below the service. Even the light of the moon no longer reflected on the rocks, in fact there was no light whatsoever. Consumed by darkness. 

  


His heart couldn’t calm down at the thought of Chan _knowing_ , he knew all of his deep feelings. Chan had heard how he felt and he didn’t know what to do now. _How does he act? How does he talk or breathe in the vicinity of the_ _elder?_

  


All he could do was go into autopilot as his mind wandered over all these possible scenarios of their friendship ending. It wasn’t even long before his mom caught him in the kitchen pacing back and forth while mumbling under his breath. 

  


“Can you stop pacing?” His mother asked with a raised brow, nursing a cup of coffee. She leaned against the kitchen counter in her robe. 

  


“Mom, can you stab me? I _can’t_ go to school today” He knew that he was being dramatic. But it felt like a life of death situation. He only had two options; accepting the reality of him being rejected by his really good friend he fell in love with, or running out of the country, faking his death and changing his name so he didn’t have to face the elder today. 

  


She gave him the look of, _‘explain, please’._ Which of course led to him rambling on for minutes over how his life is officially over. It has to be, he’s losing one of the closest people to him. 

  


“Innie, dear” She started with a light sigh, thinking of how to word what she wanted to convey. Taking a small sip of her coffee. 

  


“This is part of growing up, you’re friends, just _talk to him_ ” 

  


He was grateful for the little pep-talk, even if his worries still permeated. He had to do something, he had to take action and go for what he wanted most. Which was to be with Chan, to keep him happy. For them to be together forever in any way that he’d let him. 

  


Waiting patiently outside, he saw the familiar sight of the elders’ car pulling up to his driveway. Even from far away he could tell the elder looked beautiful, could just tell how lovely he was. 

  


Seeing him like this, outside of his house just made him charge up with energy. His heart, although heavy, was being carried directly on his sleeve, on his fingertips. Ready to just grab the elder and let him see him, see all of him and understand his entire self. Jeongin couldn’t hesitate anymore. He had to go full force even if it ended in heartbreak. 

“Morning hyung,” Jeongin greeted as he got into the car, overwhelmed by the sight of the elder back in his uniform. He was met with the elder, handing him a cup of coffee, “Ooh coffee!” 

_He remembered._

“I told you I'd bring some” He smiled brightly. 

Jeongin instantly had his hands on the other the second he noticed the elders tie was pulled loose, “wait a sec hyung” he said, adjusting Chan’s tie. It happened out of habit, needing to take care of the elder came naturally to him. 

  


“You have to be presentable hyung, before you get coded again, can’t be written up the first day back” he smiled, fingers playing with Chan’s collar for just a moment. Fighting his craving to run his fingers past his neck into his locks, to pull him into a kiss and taste the caffeine that settled on his lips. 

“Thanks, anything else?” Chan asked with a raised brow, a smirk on his face. 

Jeongin gave a look at Chan, eyes wandering all over him. He’d already taken a good look at him already, but this was just another excuse for him to breathe it all in. To look at his fluffy hair and beautiful eyelashes. They were delicate and pretty, too short to kiss his cheeks but framed his eyes so elegantly. He could feel the elder squirm under his eyes, signaling that he most likely stared for too long. 

“Nope, you look great, thanks to me” 

By the time they got to school Jeongin was mustering up all his courage to make up some kind of speech. Some kind of confession to come up with. Even as he distracted himself with telling Chan stories his parents shared with him about their vacation. He didn’t even remember the details of what he said, he just knew it was something to fill the time to make up a great plan to tell the other how he felt. 

They walked the school's halls, empty and vast with just them talking and swaying next to one another. The halls felt familiar, like a moment in time where he could recall seeing the elder walk around like this. When the halls were filled with conversations and the only time he could catch a glimpse was when he heard Chan laugh. 

This time, however, was different. The halls were the same, the floors still reflected beautifully with the sun beaming in from the windows. It was the feelings that filled the air that was different. It felt like days ago they were mere strangers who had become casual friends, and now here they were. Jeongi’s heart beating for the other, with his tongue ready to spill all his feelings. 

“So, hey how about we hang out after school? Just us?” Chan asked casually. Taking him from his deep thoughts, his memories. 

It seemed to be going great for Jeongin already. He didn’t know how he would ask the other to come over without it being suspicious. He knew that the elder was aware of his feelings, sure that was true, but he wanted to tell him everything to his face like an adult. The last thing he wanted to do was ask him to come over and insinuate that they’d be all alone in his house. Didn’t want to scare the other off with a bold question such as that. 

“Of course, I just have to see what my parents are up to so we can just be alone” Jeonginsmiled, running a hand against Chan’s lower back. Comfortably setting his hand against the jut of his hip, running his thumb over his hip softly. 

He knew he was pushing that boundary of friendship they had, standing right behind that line as he stared down at the blond. It never got old, looking at him like this. He’d looked at him like this a couple times today, and that’s just today. If anything, he could do it forever, could count the colors that manifested in his eyes, could find out what spots on Chan made him turn thereddest. 

“I just want to talk, you and me” he nuzzled a little closer into Jeongin’s side, accepting this closeness. Like he was a sunflower needing to bask in the sun, pressing himself as close as he could to the youngers side. His own arm swept around the youngers’ backside to pull him closer too, and all that filled Jeongin’s senses was the sweet smell of Chan’s shampoo. 

It wasn’t enough to calm him down. Chan wanting to talk? Was he going to turn him down? Was this way of keeping their personal matters outside of school? 

Jeongin was grateful if it was, letting him have this day at least before he was ultimately turned down. Before things changed for the rest of their friendship. Thankful that he didn’t pull away at all, he stayed there tucked into the youngers side to show he was still there. That things wouldn’t change too much. 

Chan was too kind, too soft and it was almost a flaw. But also, not. Not when he was so warm and sweet in heart, in being, in everything. Dipped in the sweetest of sugars like cake, like cookies he was just… Everything and more. 

But he had to get his thoughts and self together before Chan decided to change his mind last minute and end their friendship earlier on, “Of course, hyung, I’ll see you later okay? I want to turn in my break assignments before anyone else, but I’ll see you later?” 

He hated lying… Betraying Chan was the last thing he wanted to do even if it was the whitest lie. Even if was the tiniest thing he could lie about, he would rather do anything else but that to Chan. 

But when the blond looked at him like that, with his eyes bright and twinkling and reflecting a myriad of stars, he knew things were going to be okay, “At lunch, okay?” 

Jeongin nodded with a smile, pulling him into a hug. One that healed his heavy heart even for just a minute, just a mere little second. Chan could turn his bad day into something positive. Everything would be okay. 

However, he found himself sulking in the middle of advanced literature. Of course, he already finished his assignments ahead of time, the teacher let him just relax and hang out doing whatever until the next work was assigned. 

“Didn’t you already finish the worksheet?” His friend, Jisung asked, working on his own work. 

“Yes, of course, I’m working on something else” 

Jeongin was scribbling down words in his notebook, a checklist of things he had to say. Things he must address when he told the elder how he felt. Which Jisung got a glimpse of him writing down. 

“Oh, is today the day?” He asked. 

“Yup” 

“Didn’t you plan to do this over break? You had almost a month to do it” 

Jeongin could only sigh. It was planned for him to confess yes, and he hated being late to deadlines, but his mind kept pushing back this mental deadline more and more and more. With the way Chan smiled and pulled him into his arms at night, he wanted to stay there longer andeven more pushed back the need to say something. He didn’t want to ruin it all, didn’t want the elder to think of Jeongin’s feelings all the time. 

It would’ve ruined his perception on everything Jeongin did. Most likely he would’ve had to take the couch, which he didn’t mind. But he didn’t want to make their break weird and awkward because of his stupid feelings. 

“I know, don’t remind me of my failure, _Han_ ” 

“Whatever, _Yang_ ” 

At least that made him smile. 

By lunch time he’d already been rehearsing things he had to say. Trying to push back the imposing thoughts of how maybe Chan was doing the same thing. Rehearsing ways of turning him down as easily as peacefully as possible. 

Just the sight of the blond chilling at their usual lunch table, arms cradling a pile of snacks with a pensive expression. His palms immediately started to sweat and he swore he almost lost grip of his plate of food. 

_Was this also a plan to let him down easily? To let him eat and understand their boundaries as friends?_ Jeongin already understood the others kind and friendly nature, understood that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt anyone. It made his chest swell up with love for him, knowing how he was being looked over. Making sure he was taken care of. As always, so sweet, so effortlessly. 

He wouldn’t let his actions and intentions be seen as something negative. Jeongin understood that he crossed the boundary of friendship already. That Chan didn’t like him back just to make him feel like shit. Didn’t mean to break his heart into a billion pieces that he was left to clean up. 

Like shattered glass, even if you picked up the major pieces the pain still lingers. You can sweep up all the tiny pieces, the shards hiding between the cracks of the floors. But there will still be tiny pieces you can never find; you’d later catch them embedded in the soles of your feet. Light yet painful in every way, no matter how small. 

He was okay with that if it was all for Chan. If he could still stare and look at him this way, that’s all that mattered to him. 

“What’s up with the snacks hyung?” Jeongin asked as he settled in his seat across from him. Watching with a grin at how the other rubbed his cheek against the plastic wrapping. Eyes sparkling even under the school's shitty lightbulbs. 

Chan smiled, pushing the bags of chips and cookies towards Jeongin with a big smile, “For you, I know it must be stressful on your first day back so I got you something to munch on” 

Jeongin could only smile, could only feel his heart freezing for a bit. Shaking within himself with how much love he had. Overflowing and practically spilling and staining everything in red. This person here is who he fell in love with. This caring person who thought of him so naturally, thought of how his day was, got him tons of snacks that were all his favorite. 

“It’s only fair if you eat some too then, hyung” was all he could say. 

He couldn’t help but at least share his food with Chan. Feeding him out of instinct and fixing his hair whenever it got in the way of his face. Any excuse to have his hands on him, to have him close to him. 

_“Only fair if you let me feed you then”_ He raised a brow teasingly, chin in the palm of his hand. His eyes twinkled with delight and his dimples showed so beautifully. Oh, how he’d love to kiss the grin off his lips. 

Jeongin chortled, trying to smile to feign innocence, secretly melting under the others gaze, “Alright, I demand choco-pie stat” he slammed his fists against the table lightly. Holding back his own giggles at how the elder seemed to lighten up more as he said those words. 

Chan fed him without any complaints. Until it was just them feeding each other, slowly getting closer and closer to one another. 

Any flutter to the elder's eyelashes, any time he giggled had Jeongin fixating on him more closely. Their hands would accidently brush one another, and his fingers would linger against the elder's lips whenever he fed him. Just for a second it would linger, fighting the need to brush his thumb against the pink flesh. Bitten and swollen he’d want it, wanted to pull on his lips with his teeth. Breathe in his own breath like it was his lifeline. 

Jeongin keened under the attention Chan gave him. It seemed to be reciprocated, the rosy cheeks and lingering looks could mean _anything_ . Maybe he was projecting wanting the elder to be a shy mess because of him. He’d press a sweet to Chan’s plump lip and wait for him to happily eat it, cup his cheek, and call him a ‘good hyung’. 

(He’d also imagine him turning red and hiding his face in his hands. Even if he just laughed it off like it was nothing). 

He wished he could pull on the others belt loops and press their hips together like those old romance films. Would think of having the elder all pretty and sat on his lap talking about his day like they were a main couple in a film, like everyone was jealous of them. In some way now, they were. 

The younger could feel them being watched, could hear the girls whispering and gossiping about them. Reveling in the attention they were getting, wanting everyone to see the elder as his even if it wasn’t true. He wanted to stake a claim on him, to have everyone know that he was off limits even if that would never be true. It wasn’t fair to feel these things, it wasn't right to want to have everyone avoid Chan because they might have a better chance with him than himself. 

All he wanted to know was how Chan loved someone. If this was how he treated Jeongin now, would look at him with such care and tentatively take care of him. How would he take care of someone he loved? 

Wondered how would his voice sound saying the words, _‘I love you’_. Wanted to know the way his lips would move and shape to say his lovers name just because he missed the sound of it. Thoughts of them swimming came back to his thoughts and just… The sun filtering through his locks and brighten up his face. It got him thinking of how Chan would look in the golden hour light after a date. How would he dress? Would he change his hair style? 

Jeongin wanted to know what looks and touches he’d reserve only for his lover. Because it felt like Chan already gave him the world, gave him his everything. Seeing how he was treated differently from Chan’s other friends, it felt that in some way he was special. Even if it wasn’t in that romantic way, he got to taste what it would be like to be loved by the elder. Even for just a second. 

As the day passed, the classes went by, it was all a blur. He sat and did nothing most classes, already finishing ahead of time and he was only left to his own devices. Left with just his mind thinking of them, of how things would go down. 

His mind was still thinking of words to say to the point that it felt like his whole brain was being rewritten, his code was scrapped and replaced with the ways in which he’d tell the elder how he felt. 

Jeongin’s entire being was fueled with energy, with confidence. Even if he was scared, he reminded himself of what he’d be winning if he just opened up and told the truth. How much better he’d feel if he just let it out in the open. 

Of course, the day didn’t end when the last bell rang throughout the halls. Students packed and left in a hurry, halls full of students bustling around, a familiar sound. As they cleared, all that was left were the rest were those going to their clubs, going into study rooms, dispersing to do their own things. 

He had to attend his own after school activity, Chan’s basketball practice. It felt like a long time since he’d seen him play. Been awhile since he’s been surrounded by those girls whose eyes were constantly on the man he loved. Before he even knew it was love. When it was something soft and light, bubbling at the surface. Quiet whispers and rosy cheeks. 

Now it was different, and he was there in the gymnasium looking at the other players warming up. There he was back in his normal spot on the bleachers, the metal seat cold, the same as always. 

Other players, Chan’s friends, had greeted him with a wide smile. But he didn’t pay any mind to them. They weren’t who he was looking for, not even the group of girls that had usually come cared about the other players. None of them shined and played as well as Chan, none of them _were_ Chan. And in that sense, they were less. 

When Chan had come out, it felt like the room lit up, like the stars aligned. His hair framed his face perfectly and he filled out his uniform in all the right ways, like it was made for him. Ignoring the cheers and giggles from the girls hanging by the bleachers, he himself cheered for the elder. And the best part? 

Chan locked eyes with only him, and gave him a grand toothy smile and joined the rest of his members. He practically felt the holes burning into his flesh as the girls stared at him. Out of spite, somehow managing to muster up courage to do so, he waved at them with a smile, 

_“Great view, huh?”_

Happiness flowed throughout his entire being when they scoffed in annoyance. He felt cocky, felt like a million bucks that no one was allowed to touch. In some sense he was untouchable, knowing that he was the only one who could touch Chan, who could wrap his arms around his waist. He felt powerful, like he had the little magic fairy everyone wanted but could never have. 

It made him giddy, made him shiver with confidence. Knowing that Chan was coming home with him at the end of this, that Chan would call him name out so softly. So sweet. 

By the time practice finished, he could feel him being watched as he jumped off the bleachers. Could feel their eyes watching as he followed the elder to the locker room, carrying his bag while the elder laughed and talked about whatever was on his mind. 

And if Chan saw as he raised a teasing brow to the group of girls as his arm hooked around theelders' hip, and pulled him closer. He didn’t say anything, just smiled and kept talking. 

“Thanks for coming to my practice today, did you have a lot of work to do?” Chan asked as soon as they got out of the gyms back door, swaying innocently, holding his gym bag. 

He looked fluffy and adorable, freshly washed hair curled up and all over the place. Once a sweaty appearance replaced with a fluffy Chan he remembered over the break. Wrapped up in a hoodie that anyone could tell didn’t fit him, and in his deep thoughts Jeongin would imagine that it was his own hoodie that the blond was wearing. 

Chan had gotten in a little shower before they had to go. It felt normal as he had sat outside the showers on a bench, like they did over the break. Except it was multiple guys walking buy in towels, but now they were outside. 

The sun was still shining and adding a glow to the blond's face. His entire being lit up like a star, his eyes gorgeous and brown. Like deep pools of hazel when the light hit them. Humming to nothing in particular like a little bell ringing. He’d been holding himself back from calling him the most beautiful tinker bell he’d ever seen. 

Jeongin shook his head, “It’s no problem, hyung, it’s fun watching you run around in shorts” 

He also loved the way people quieted down as soon as he cheered for the elder. It didn’t matter if it was just a practice game, he’d make sure everyone knew that he was there for Chan. That the elder was his, at least to everyone else. 

_“Shut up”_ He jokingly hit the others arm, and all Jeongin could do was laugh. 

So desperately he wanted to just wrap him in his arms, carry him, hold him forever. 

"So your place?" Chan asked, pulling his keys out of his pocket to unlock the car. 

"Yup, my parents are working today,” Jeongin answered. Nervously biting his lips, now was the moment to finally speak up. 

Chan dropped his bag off in the trunk, gifting Jeongin some time to stall for the moment. To just appreciate this time right now before it was ruined by what he needed to say. By the time he got to the passenger side and about to open the door, Jeongin’s hands shot out and pulled on his hoodie sleeve. 

“Hmm?” his face looked so youthful. So pretty and… His eyes were big and sparkling under the sun. Lips pink and parted with a tiny head tilt. 

Jeongin didn’t know what got into him because just that look, that beautiful look, had him walking closer to the other. Backing him into the cars side, his back hitting the car. His face stayed the same, still innocent and doe-y. It felt like any moment his heart would beat so loud it would shake the trees more than the breeze around them did. 

His hands found themselves threading through the curly locks, pressing their lips together. It was blissful, it was just as he imagined it but better. He could sigh into the kiss but it would stop this moment, would stop this heat between them. All he could do was press closer, wanting to merge with him and become one in this moment. Not even the afternoon wind blowing by could cool him down. To calm his restless heart. 

Chan was lax and calm yet Jeongin made sure he himself was loose. That the elder had an escape plan if he needed it. But how pliant he was, how his lips molded against his, just breathing softly was enough to rile him up. But instead of running away, of pushing him away, Chan put his hands on Jeongin's waist. It didn’t give him any clarity instead fogging his mind up even more. 

The elder's hands just rested there by his hips, rubbing there with such hesitancy. It was comforting, it was soft, it was everything and more that he wanted. Here Chan was under his touch in his big hoodie and feeling so warm. Even if he didn’t smell of strawberries Jeongincould still smell the rosewood imbedded in his skin. Comforting and ever sweet. 

Jeongin pulled away when it got too much, close to doing so much more and maybe going too far. But he knew he had to stop and talk, "C-chan I--" 

Jeongin’s hands shot back to his sides in fear of not grasping any control of himself. His face heated up; his body felt like a flare ready to burst. The only thing that kept him grounded was the breeze cooling him down, was his eyes looking at the trees, at the asphalt. 

"I like you, a lot, you probably already know, I just needed to say it before it was too late you know?” 

Chan’s own fingers found themselves settling on the others hips, digging into the flesh there and pulling him closer. He was still there, he still looked so soft and so kind and just… warm. An embodiment of the sun itself, everything about him was just so warm. 

The elder’s face was so calm and sweet. His eyes were bright and seemed to scan his face and just took him in like he was the prettiest person ever. Like he was trying to take in everything that Jeongin was saying, it felt like he was really listening. With the tiny smile on his lip like he was the most content. Like he was the happiest person on earth just standing there and holding the younger. 

“Jeongin” he called out softly. 

Having the elder call his name like that… Was that how he’d call his lover? With such a soft tone and emotion lacing his words. It had him freezing up as he got ready to listen. Ready to hear the elder out, no matter what his reply would be he would be ready. Hoping the elder didn’t see his confidence slowly slipping away as the anxiety bubbled more and more. 

“Y-yes, hyung?” 

He ran a hand to his face, cupping his cheek. _Oh god_ , he wanted to melt, wanted to keen under his touch, “Why so serious, where’d my baby go?” 

“H-hyung why are you so… so calm” none of what he said seemed to faze him at all, his cheeks just seemed rosier. But it could’ve been the chilly wind that had him looking so pink. 

“Why aren’t you? I’m still here, _hyung is here_ , so please don’t look so worried and scared” 

Jeongin finally relaxed, instantly calming down when the other told him to. Just by using a calming tone, it had him instantly sighing in relief. It’s what he wanted all day, a relief and the elders touch. 

“Hyung-- “ 

“It’s just us, don’t worry” he planted a kiss to the younger's lips, like it was nothing and had no effect on the other, “but c'mon, let’s go home okay?” 

He subconsciously sent his mother a thank you. They hadn’t talked about anything yet, but he had said what was deep in his heart. And just like Chan always did he heard him out, he just listened and let the younger spill whatever was on his mind. He felt so tired, so exhausted and all he wanted to do was hold the other in his arms. 

“Hey, Jeongin” Chan called out quietly. Only the younger could hear him. 

His fingers hesitated to pull on the passenger's door handle, like adrenaline was rushing through his veins. Like love had been shot into his bloodstream. 

“And yes, I like you too… before you go worrying about what we are, okay?” That’s all he needed to hear. 

From all that pent-up anxiety over them and their friendship he thought was dwindling. He felt more at peace knowing that he was special to Chan, that he was something more than what he thought he meant. All the time he thought of their lingering looks and touches, just by that small confession there. Jeongin knew that he wasn’t stupid or lying to himself anymore, that there was something more under the surface of it all. 

They definitely were going to talk about it. Talk about them. Where they were going next and what their next step would be. But he knew everything would be fine. The way he set his hand on the elders’ thigh, instantly the other would entangle their fingers together and giggle cutely. 

“Hyung” He called out. 

“Hmm?” 

“You’re so pretty” He grinned, leaning over and kissing his cheek. Watching his face heat up and ears turn red within seconds.

With the way the elder mumbled a thanks under his breath while avoiding eye contact. Jeonginjust knew. They were going to be okay. Especially if they were by each other's side. He just wished things happened sooner, just so he could kiss the elder silly like that again. Then again, they had all the time in the world to make up for the kisses they _didn’t_ get to share.   



	9. E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God he was in love, with Jeongin and his everything. And he knew that more than a thousand percent that Jeongin loved him too.

Chan has never felt such peace before. With the moments passing, with himself. Like his body had finally sorted itself out. Like he finally got to take in the moment without feeling like everything was going by so fast, like he had limited time. 

Even with them hanging out and being together it didn’t feel as peaceful compared to now. Those moments of them alone and looking at each other at night, they would talk quietly before falling asleep. Although peaceful, there was a thick hesitancy between them, and now Chan knew it was equal on both sides. It wasn’t just him suffering to hold back everything he felt whenever the younger just looked at him. 

For so long he felt stifled, like his voice was muffled behind his facade. Constantly questioning his own actions and how it might affect him and Jeongin’s friendship. Now he could speak clearly with nothing in his way. It finally felt like he could breathe without the weight on his chest overthinking how he might be ruining something grand. 

When his eyes looked at the younger he no longer felt the need to shed tears out of stress. Holding himself back from breaking down because of how he felt. Like it was a giant weight on his chest that kept him from living normally, like a shackle he couldn’t get off. In his own personal prison of how he felt and worries of how the younger didn’t feel the same. 

But now, with the way Jeongin’s fingers entwined with his own. His lack of hesitancy, ease with every step, it comforted him too. It seemed that Jeongin had lighter feet, his tone felt calm and not so erratic. Like for so long he was hiding his true feelings as well, and knowing that he felt the same way all this time was a security blanket for Chan. 

Jeongin was already his safe haven, his little pocket of heaven he needed in his life to go on through the day. He was the softest light shining down on a field of sweet violets, gardenias and sweet peas. They sang quietly, songs differentiating from one another yet blending so meticulously. So effortlessly becoming a grand orchestra of wonderful voices and tones consuming him. 

The shift in their attitudes, in their actions showed instantly. They no longer danced around another, they seemed to glide side by side to their own rhythm. The way Jeongin took their bags things and put it away without another word, the silence was deafening. There wasn’t anything left in the air to be said and nothing lingered like a dark figure following their every step. As if they had finally said everything which resulted in a calming air around them.

His finger that tipped Chan’s chin up sent his stomach fluttering, especially when his fingers brushed back strands of his hair. And he sent him off to the room with a, “I’ll get us some drinks, hyung”

The blankets in Jeongin’s bedroom were still as soft and cool as the first time he felt them against his skin. But they were more warm this time, felt like they had missed him as much as he missed them. Maybe it was all in his head, but he felt calm and at peace now. 

Looking around the room it looked the same, the same decor and same sheets. Nothing had changed and yet everything had at the same time. It was probably because of what happened earlier. When they kissed so fervently. This was no longer just Jeongin’s bedroom, it was  _ Jeongin’s bedroom _ . 

Speaking of the younger, he had come in with cups, face soft and eyes kind, “Here you go, hyung” 

When he took a seat next to Chan he could feel their skin touching through the fabric of their clothes, and could feel him flushing. However, this time it wasn’t burning, it wasn’t scorching and heart wrenching. It was soft and light, and his hearts did delicate flips. Their knees were only brushing yet it was so much more than that. It felt soothing now, knowing he could touch him back and it not be weird. 

His brain kept repeating over and over how the younger felt the same. Overthinking anytime they touched and wondering if Jeongin felt that same anxious spark. Wondered if he’d thought of his lips as much as Chan thought about his. And if he did? He didn’t know how to stomach it without becoming giddy and squealing. 

“So…” Jeongin started, fingers tapping against the cool mug. Sipping lightly at the drink. 

“Yea?” 

“We should probably talk about us, you know?” 

He turned to face the other, making sure to keep good eye contact. Even playing a hand on his knee to ground him, to comfort him.

“Of course, do you want me to start?” Chan started, and for once he wasn’t nervous. No ounce of anxiety was in his veins right now, just tranquility. Just calm feelings. It felt great to just be able to breath and talk and look at Jeongin with such love in his eyes like he always wanted. Could stare at him forever.

Jeongin nodded slowly, seeming to think it over. It was enough to get Chan started, “I liked you for a long time. Before we even talked, you were just-- amazing. And I wanted to talk to you for a while, but you know…”   
  


“I know what?” Jeongin asked, becoming shy by the second. 

“You’re amazing and smart, and I’m me. I don’t know, I didn’t think I was worthy of your time” 

The silence was deafening this time. It was awkward and it felt like for a second he had said the wrong thing. But looking up to see the youngers’ ears burning as he twiddled his fingers was enough to calm him down. He was embarrassed, shy and quiet. The sight alone was enough to have Chan beaming at him, leaning over to put his cup on the floor. 

He inched closer until they could practically rub noses together, sitting in between the youngers’ thighs. 

_ “Hyung” _ Jeongin softly called out. 

Chan slipped his arms around the others neck, “Hmm?” 

He didn’t feel shy, his heart only lightly thumped. But his stomach was full of butterflies, but they were nice, they were delicate and it only made him want to go further. To see how Jeongin would react. However, the moment Jeongin’s fingers ran up his sides, settling at his hips before bringing him closer against the other. His confidence crumbled and he himself was a shy mess. 

“Jeongin you’re killing me” 

_ “Me?”  _ Jeongin exclaimed, “You’re the one who started this” 

He huffed, going lax and laying his head on his shoulder, “Well what about you?”

“How I feel about you?” 

“Yeah” 

He relaxed more as Jeongin’s fingers threaded through his hair, laying down for them to get comfortable. Instantly he felt at peace, nuzzling his face in the crook of his neck. 

“Mine is the same, as soon as I saw you come to the library for the first time. I think then I knew, you were so pretty, you still are but I wanted to get to know you. I had to talk to you unless it would’ve killed me knowing I let you go” 

Chan froze in his spot, breath hitching and all he could do was think. Think about the times he went to the library, the times he had passed by Jeongin without another thought. Instantly feeling like all this time they understood one another. 

“Does that make sense? It’s probably ridiculous, but then when we did talk I knew there was something about you”

“And  _ now _ what? We both feel the same way” 

He gulped, sitting up to finally stare eye and eye with the other. Just pools of feelings staring back at him, and he stared back. His fingers played with Jeongin’s locks, letting him take in the sight in front of him. The way they fit so perfectly against each other and how Jeongin rubbed a hand at his lower back in soothing circles.

It wasn’t anything more than soothing. It didn’t have to be anything more than this, this was enough. This feeling of them just sharing these tiny touches and sharing body heat. It was everything he wanted to do but without the stress of fucking up. Now he could do whatever he pleased if the younger let him. 

Of course he’d do the same for Jeongin. Whatever he wanted he’d give it to him. Because he loved him, he wouldn’t admit it now. Even though it was true, he could feel it deep in his bones. It was imprinted on his ribs, carved there, reminding him of its truth. It was branded on his fingertips and spread each time he even hesitantly touched something. Like a wax brand keeping him together like the most important letter that had all his feelings written down. 

“Then we start dating--”

“--Like exclusively?” Chan teased with a grin.

“I’d like it to be that way, yes” 

He liked how shy Jeongin got within seconds. Molding and reacting so quickly to whatever Chan said. He didn’t even have to do much and the younger was like dough under his touch, his words. Knowing that the younger was so affected by him like he was affected by him every single day just made him giddy and joyful.

“I’d like that too, we’d be boyfriends then” He stated matter-of-factly. 

“I-If that’s what you want…” 

“What happened to the Jeongin that kissed me moments ago? Just tell me how you really feel because I know it’s how I feel too” 

“Then yes, I’d like if we were boyfriends, I’d like it if you were exclusively mine. I want to take you out on dates and show you off and--” 

This time, Chan kissed him. Shut him up completely, but this time it burned more. How close they were without any gust of wind to cool them off. He instead overheated, a feeling in the deep pit of his stomach was boiling. It was stirring inside of himself and his heart stuttered, it fluttered. 

The others wandering hands didn’t help either, the way Jeongin held him. Gripped his thighs, he couldn’t help but let out a sigh into the kiss. Parting slowly with their foreheads pressed together, “I’d like that too” 

Chan doesn’t think he’d ever get tired of kissing Jeongin. He wouldn’t get tired of how soft it all was, how Jeongin grabbed and molded him in his hands. It was too much yet too little at the same time. His heart was pounding in his ears which was good, he could hardly keep down his sounds that beckoned to leave. 

Jeongin swore he had never done this before, never touched someone like this before. But that was hard to believe by the way he kissed him. By the way he trailed down his neck, teeth nipping his skin so effortlessly. 

_ “Wanted to do this to you for so long”  _ He’d whisper out against his neck. Hands slipping underneath his hoodie just running along his sides, pulling him closer, leaving indents of his fingers there. Like he wanted to leave something behind that only Chan could see and know about. So he could feel him even after he left to go home. 

But even after that, they’d sit and talk. He was sure that his flushed cheeks were permanent by the way he felt hot. By the way they burned. The younger eyes still looked bright and seemed to twinke with such innocence, like he had not pressed the elder to the bed earlier. Like he hadn’t felt him up with a hungry gaze, like he hadn’t tried to devour him.

“So am I your type?” Chan asked, the youngers’ knowing gaze and smile beaming back at him. 

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, hyung” That got Chan pulled him back into a giggled full kiss. The butterflies were everywhere, were bubbling under his skin and flowing into his fingertips. He could feel the goosebumps on the youngers’ skin wherever he let his fingers roam. 

It was nice the way everything felt. The way it was different now. Before when their skin touched and when they were this close it felt awkward and almost forbidden, because at the time they were friends. But now everything was free and new and had him giggling against the others neck. 

Everything was fine though. By the time he had to leave to go home Jeongin had kissed his nose, passing a hoodie in his grasp with a shy grin,

“I, I want to see you wear something of mine” He’d said sheepishly, nervously scratching the nape of his neck. 

“Isn’t that against code? You trying to get me written up? I thought you were a model student” Chan said with a raised brow. 

Jeongin only smirked, pulling him by his jean loops into a tiny peck, “Didn’t stop you before, plus it’s  _ actually _ within code to wear a jacket or sweatshirt over your uniform” 

“Love it when you get all nerdy on me” 

***

As worried ad Chan was at the time being wasted. At his chance to tell the younger how he felt he felt like he would be too late. He definitely wasn’t late whatsoever. 

Everyone already assumed they were together so it wasn’t the most jarring of news when they came in all lovey dovey. No one even batted an eye when they kissed each other goodbye between classes and drove home together. It was peaceful and nice to just be together without anyone looking at them differently. 

Graduation came fast. For sure it did. But he still had Jeongin there at the ceremony with his own bouquet, in his own cap and gown as well. 

He had initially worried that they would be separated, as if phones didn’t exist. It felt like they’d be separated forever and could only talk through messenger birds or something. Chan must’ve ignored the fact that despite Jeongin being a grade behind him, he had finished all his classes and therefore was eligible to graduate early. It never even crossed Chan’s mind that it was a possibility. 

(Apparently even the younger forgot that was an option before his teachers informed him that they all recommend to the school board that he was more than ready to graduate early). 

It felt perfect, in some way it was. But of course it took time for them to accomplish it, they still had to take exams and finals for their class. They still had a shit ton of work to do before they could even graduate, they didn’t get to even hang out much. It was worth it though, to see the smile on his face when they got to see each other at graduation. Cheering each other on from their seats and a bright smile. 

Life went on fast, faster than they’d thought it would. Simply a year later had Jeongin in a high class university majoring in mathematics while Chan did freelance work in a studio, majoring in music. They were,  _ ‘adults’  _ technically speaking. Even if they still felt like they were fresh out of high school with no life experience. 

However, they were still happy, still together. They were the happiest they’ve been now that they had more time to spend together. Even with the classes and assignments and other things they had to do, they still had more free time to go out and hang out. 

The air felt different now though. The only thing they felt shift about them, they didn’t feel older and more mature once they graduated. More panicky and uncomfortable with their stance in the world filled their senses more often. 

But it felt like their life had really started, the way they walked held a different attitude with more confident strides. Less hesitant steps in any direction. The sights ahead of them were captivating and so much easier to breathe in now they were able to enjoy the little moments now. Clouds would look softer and calmer, slowly passing about them in the sky, unlike when they felt the weight of the world. When the hours felt like seconds just because they spent so much time in one area for so many years. 

The way the wind flew through their locks was more of a caress, petting them so delicately like it had all the time in the world. The sun shining against their cheeks kissed their skin softly, having slow conversations with them instead of whispering. It felt so perfect and soft. And for once they could enjoy the world's affections. 

For once they could bask in its wonders, could dawdle in the world and just breathe it all in. His feet would be tickled against the grassy fields they visited from time to time, cheeks flushing with happiness. Chan could finally just look at the younger, could hold him and not feel the ticking time in his bones. Didn’t have to think about the world crushing them more and more as they grew and lived.

Like tonight, finally on a free day off from classes and work.

The diner was new in the area, the first time something new opened for once. Replacing an old restaurant that had gone out of business long, long ago. It was the building everyone passed by in town, one that no one ever really knew if it was new or old. No one knew when it was built or how many times its insides had been changed for different purposes. All that stood was the old worn out building which bricks chipped and worn out, the glass windows old and dirty. Everything seemed outdated and broken, even the sidewalks were old with overwear; weeds growing between the cracks, kissing the filthy concrete. 

You would have never imagined that it would be used, it’s for sale sign had been so old it had fallen to the floor. Showing with the square area in which the dust was a little lighter. Meaning it was dirty when they first put the sign up. 

But now everything was new and shiny and clean, the way the windows shimmered and the floorboards were smooth. It was the talk of the town more than the new record shop was, well, 15 years old but considered fairly new in comparison to the old buildings that permeated town. It was perfect to go on a first date after a while of not seeing each other.

Their school had just been a town over, but even so they lived at home most of the time if they weren’t at their dorm. But even with them around the same area, it felt like before in school. When he would only see the other sometimes, the back of his head or just his wandering strides, when they were nothing but distant strangers. 

But this time it was different. He could call and text the other about how he saw him walking around. This time he knew that at the end of the day they’d be talking about their day, that he’d see the younger before he went to bed.

They had seen each other in between classes or at the end of the day when they video-chatted. However this would be the first time in a while that they would get to properly see one another. That Chan could hold Jeongin’s hands and bask in the envious stares they got from others.

Chan stood in his mirror, staring at his outfit choice with a hard gaze. Critiquing the style, the comfortability while also weighing out the cons of it. It was perfect, he knew that, but the probability of being okay by the end of the night was low. The sheer button up was loose, sleeves oversized as they draped across his arms. The way the white fabric was tucked slightly in the front, flowing freely at the back. He only wore a black tank underneed, tucked nicely under his black skinny jeans that he had ironed the night before. 

Sure he looked cute but knowing how the weather had been getting more chilly at night, his future self was cursing him out with chattering teeth. Plus his usually curly and a little longer, growing out blond locks no longer warmed his nape as it once did back in school. It was cut short, brown finally growing in after he decided to give up blond hair. For now at least. 

His bangs, straight, laid against his forehead awkwardly. Not knowing how to style them just yet, but he knew fidgeting with the locks would do nothing but worry him further. It looked nice, looked sleek and neat. Mature. 

Once his uniform was no longer needed he realized his lack of fashion sense. Relying too much on his uniform and a couple of hoodies and shirts to get him by the rest of his life. It was awkward at first, standing on his own without the tie around his neck, without the younger fixing his hair before school to make sure he didn’t get dress coded for the nth time. 

Chan could only smile, fingers playing with the chain around his neck that dangled a single ring. It was one Jeongin had bought him, getting himself a matching one too. But knowing that he’d be seeing it soon, would see it shimmer under the lights, would see how Chan felt about him. 

Of course,  _ he knew _ . Jeongin knew how he felt, with the way he’d tell him before they went to bed. The way he whispered it against his collar bones at the night they spent pressed together. Nights full of memories of breaths, of feelings and roaming fingers pressed in each others skin. The way he stared at him alone was the biggest indicator of how he felt for the sweet younger who loved him so sweetly in return. 

His outfit would do for now even if he knew it would be colder later, he had everything he needed. Heading out as soon as his phone vibrated in his back pocket. The younger was here to pick him up and that thought of him doing all the driving now had Chan’s heart fluttering. Taking the elder wherever and whenever he pleased. 

No matter how many times he’d seen Jeongin. Had seen him mature and grow out of his baby features and replaced them with more mature, more defined things. He couldn’t get over it, oh how lovely he looked. The way his skin splayed across his jawline, the way his eyes had seemed to grow as well. Holding a more searing and serious look to them now. Though when he smiled his eyes would curve up and become soft and kind, youthful. 

Jeongin wore his clothes well, looked older and more mature than Chan himself. Not just in height or broadness, just the way he held himself. His slender and rough fingers dressed in rings and dainty bracelets, wrapped around the gear shift looked heavenly as he put the car in reverse. Gaze on the road with his seatbelt pressed against his chest. The little things such as that were things Chan had loved the most. 

The younger wore a honey-brown wool cardigan over a simple cotton shirt, tucked nicely into blue jeans. His hair had grown out nicely, covering his nape at the back, parted down the middle in a fluffy yet neatly styled. Earrings dangled from his ears and even he too had the necklace on. Looking beautiful against his skin and the fabric of his shirt. 

“You look pretty, hyung” Jeongin said with a hand placed on his jean clad thigh. Rings pressing into the flesh there. 

“Thanks, not as pretty as you though” He wrinkled his nose with a big smile as the younger breathed out a chuckle and his ears started to heat up.

“Hyung, I could go on for hours over how much prettier you are. Look at you, gorgeous” He caressed a finger across the elders cheek. Flushing instantly under the touch. 

“Shut up” was all he could say with a red face, looking away from Jeongin. However, he still entwined their fingers together and smiled with a longing gaze out of the window. Looking at their precious town that passed by, waving at them.

The entrance was welcoming, worth the long walk from the car down the regular sidewalk. You could even see the line of demarcation for where the new concrete had been applied. The smooth white sidewalk made the normal grey ones seem dirty, old, too worn out despite how clean and pristine it still was no matter the age. The town's other shops and buildings were still clean and never dirty, however compared to the way the entrance glistening and the windows felt almost unreal it felt subpar. 

The parking spots in front of it were already full, cars too new to be owned by the locals, none that Chan could recognize. But even so, with the pretty looks and people filling up the tables inside, it was still comfortable. For a place Chan had never stepped foot in, it felt as if his feet and heart knew of it before. Plus with the way Jeongin had a hand to his lower back to guide him in, it felt like he was on the clouds. 

Immediately they were seated, right by the windows looking at the expanse of the road. Even here it looked beautiful, no matter how many times he’s seen the town like this. The lights that lit up the streets, neon marking the sidewalks and adding an array of lights, of stars to look at as they sat. 

It didn’t matter about how the food tasted, or the way the plates were presented. Chan could rarely remember the lemon-water against his tongue, the way it slid down his throat. Cooling his cheeks down from the amount of times he laughed, the times Jeongin looked at him with his sweet eyes. 

“My mother misses you, you know” Jeongin had said with a grin, “Says she wants to have dinner with us” 

How could he even deny that? The way the youngers’ features softened and he played around with his rings on his fingers. Hesitant maybe? Questioning if it was okay, because by the way his cheeks turned rosy and his lips were being tugged on by his teeth. He knew that Jeongin had already accepted the offer. 

“That’s great, plan a day and I’ll clear my schedule, alright?” 

“Of course, hyung” 

Somehow throughout the night, they ended up right next to one another. Once across now beside, sharing a comfy heat between them in the best of ways. He didn’t mind, he loved having him near him to look at, to be close too. Plus it was easier to hold hands while being close

Chan couldn’t even remember what he ordered when he felt the Jeongin’s hand atop his thigh again, squeezing there and freezing his thoughts. It wasn’t anything more than a light touch, just a reassuring touch of his presence. But even so, he could still feel the slight burning under the younger’s fingertips. However, it was kind, it was a sweet touch especially when the younger had looked at him with crescent eyes as his smile widened the more they talked. 

“How’s your writing class?” Chan had asked, eating whatever pasta was on the younger’s plate. Noticing they’d just been eating off one anothers plates the entire time. 

Jeongin’s eyes just lit up, like stars had been stolen and landed right there in his eyes. He talked about just everything and everything, the way he loved his early morning lectures. How he’s working on some writing assignment about character analysis and other writing terms Chan couldn’t even begin to understand. 

But he thoroughly enjoyed how passionate the younger was with his classes, with his life now. There were many times they had been stressed, they’d spent plenty at their local library studying until their brains were on the brink of frying. But they still enjoyed their classes, enjoyed spending their future with one another. 

The end of the night kept crawling faster and faster, getting closer to the ending of their date. However, the way Jeongin looked, the way Jeongin had brushed his hair back. It didn’t feel so bad when he had this beautiful person in front of him, even if he knew after this it would be a while before they could properly see one another like this. Chan’s heart was calm. 

_ Until it was time to go. _

“I regret this now! I just wanted to look cute and now I’m cold” Chan whined, shivering as he hugged himself. Fingers gripping his sheer sleeves hoping in some way he’d become warmer. 

“I told you it was going to be cold tonight, plus the car is only a block away” Jeongin shook his head and yet he still shedded his cardigan and passed it to the other without another word. But his silence spoke volumes and he couldn’t keep down his giggles over it. 

“You ever think that not long ago we didn’t even know each other existed?” Chan had asked, deciding to slow down his strides down the sidewalk. Trying to extend the night, to enjoy the view of their too-familiar town he’d seen all his life. 

“Hyung,” Jeongin started to whine a little, kicking his feet against the sidewalks debris, “I don’t like to think about you  _ not _ being in my life”

“I’m just  _ saying _ . It kinda feels like you’ve always been there. It’s odd to think there was a time I didn’t even think about you when I woke up in the morning”

_ “Hyung”  _ He whined out again, pulling Chan into his chest with flushed ears. It was cute how he tried to hide, how he thought hugging him like this would distract him from the younger’s adorable embarrassment.

“You’re so great, I love you!” Chan chuckled out, not thinking about what he said until now. Until the younger looked at him with those wide eyes, body stiff and unmoving. Then Chan had realized what he had said and his own brain froze.

_ “What?”  _

Oh god,  _ was it too early to say that?  _ They’d been together roughly a year now, almost two but still…  _ Was this the right time to confess those feelings?  _ Chan’s panic settled deep inside him and started to rise more and more. Like acid in his throat, bile bubbling, ready to throw up any second. 

“Nothing! I said-- I said you’re so great and then I-- then I just  _ stopped talking _ ” Chan rambled out, backing out of the younger’s arms. Relieved to see the car was a couple of feet alone, trying to walk off as fast as he could. 

“You said you loved me, I can’t believe this!” Jeongin started to walk after him, strides longer than his own. Easily catching up with him. 

“No I didn’t” He said as he got to the car, cursing under his breath once he realized the doors weren’t unlocked. His entire heart was in his throat. Panging so hard and making it so hard to breathe. 

“Yes you did!”

“No I didn’t!”

Jeongin had grabbed the elder, turning him around to face him. But surprisingly he looked shocked but not in panic, he looked astounded. His face lit up like he was talking about his lectures again, smiling wide. That alone made him calm down but racked more worries in his head.

“You  _ love _ me!”

“No I don’t! stop it stop it stop it!”

“Oh, hyung” Jeongin said softly, cupping the elders face and rubbing his thumbs against his cheeks. He kissed the tip of his nose before pecking him softly, stealing his breath and almost making him fall. Legs too weak to even hold himself up but his back was met with the car window, the only thing keeping him grounded for the moment. 

Deja vu hit him, remembering the first time they were like this almost two years ago. But this time it wasn’t as passionate and it wasn’t rushed or panicky. It was soft and slow and quick before Jeongin had pressed their foreheads together and chuckled. 

“You know I love you too, hyung” 

Yea, he knew. Of course he knew that Jeongin loved him back. By the way he treated him and talked to him. He knew when Jeongin had his coffee maker in his home set to an alarm to be made because he knew the times Chan normally woke up. Knew when Jeongin had bought him his own toothbrush for his home and his dorm room because he knew that Chan would frequently visit whenever he was free. He knew Chan had a habit of staying the night and would leave extra clothes for him to wear the next day, had pajamas ready for him too. 

Those tiny things had Chan know at least a little that Jeongin was fond of him. In some way Jeongin had made sure that Chan was a part of his life even when he wasn’t there all the time. With the way he had chargers plugged in next to his bed for Chan whenever he came over, the way he stocked his home fridge with food he liked. The elder could tell that Jeongin… _ loved him.  _

Appreciated his presence and treated him like he was this prized possession. Like he was a glass lamb never to be touched by anyone but him. Felt like he was more than he was, like he was this greater and grander thing that had to be treasured. He just didn’t know what he did to deserve that.

He did most of the same things, bathed him in gifts and love and affection. Even if he never made a big deal about it, he loved basking in Jeongin’s affections over the little things. Making his favorite meal after a hard and long day, showing up to his classes with sweets to cheer him up. Although small, it meant the world to see the younger’s harsh features and furrowed brow become soft and happy after seeing him. 

They were small gestures, though he thought he could do more. But the way Jeongin was holding him, the way the younger kissed all over his face and squeezed him in his arms. It just made him overflow with happiness that he himself had to break out into giggles, laughing and pressing his face into the others chest. 

“I do, I love you, hyung loves you” 

So, yeah. 

Everything would be fine. With them and their future when they knew they had each other by their side. Even if sometimes it wasn’t always the greatest time with them, when they’re stressed out or in need of a break from the world. Even just themselves, in the mental health break way, not from  _ them _ . It was fine. More than fine it was amazing. 

“I want to spend the night with you, can hyung do that?” Chan asked, cheeks rosy as he pressed his cheek to the younger’s chest. 

“Yes, of course,  _ always _ ” 

God he was in love, with Jeongin and his everything. And he knew that more than a thousand percent that Jeongin loved him too. 

  
Especially when he felt a kiss to his bare shoulder when they were off to bed later that night. Jeongin pressed to his back as they both were off to sleep. Reassured that tomorrow would be just as sweet, just as soft and kind. And out of everything he’s ever done wrong or made mistakes on. Chan could wholeheartedly say that falling for Jeongin  _ wasn’t a mistake. _


End file.
